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I’ve been away for a couple of days and I’m ready to let y’all know why. There is something extremely wrong with my lower right leg. I have an open wound on it just above my ankle and it hurts. I went to the doctor on Tuesday and he sent me to the Wound Care Center in the hospital the next day. My Dad came down to take me and my oldest sister went as well. I hardly slept the night before. I was too scared to sleep. Dad drove us to my 7:45am appointment. What I experienced during my appointment was the most painful thing I’ve ever had to endure. I sat there, with nothing but lidocaine on my wound, as the doctor pulled out all of the dead tissue. I don’t have adequate enough words to properly describe the pain I felt. The pain I will have to feel again Monday at my second appointment. Thankfully my Dad is coming back down again.

I’m not gonna lie y’all. This wound thing really scares me. I don’t know if it’s a spider bite or an infected hair follicle or if I have diabetes. They are checking for that and I should know Monday if I have it or not. That’s pretty damn scary as well. I’ve been alone for most of this. Dad came down Tuesday night and left Wednesday after my appointment. I’ve not been able to go to work because the pain has been too bad and the side effects of the antibiotics have made me sick. I’ve been stuck in my house, alone for the past two days. When you are alone for extended periods of time your mind wanders. And wander did mine, let me tell ya. I’ve thought of every scary thing that could happen to me because of this leg wound. My mind has gone from a miraculous recovery to an amputation. Then my mind began to wonder if it will always be like this. Me. Alone. Dealing with shit on my own. Mom and Dad aren’t always going to be around and my dogs, as loving as they are, can’t drive to the store and buy me cereal. I really want some cereal y’all. I’d slap my own momma for some Special K Honey Almond cereal right now. It hurts to walk and I’ve been told not to if I don’t have to. So that is where I am and where I’m scared I will always be. Alone…with my dogs…wanting cereal but not able to have any.

I’m so pissed off about this leg thing. It could not have happened at a worse time. It’s like the sky opened up and decided to pee all over me. Work is so stressful right now and I haven’t been able to get there this week and will miss at least one day next week. I’m not allowed to exercise again until the doctor tells me I can and I was making such good progress! All that is down the crapper. The only thing saving me I think is the fact that I have no appetite. I have to force myself to eat.

I’m scared that I’m slipping into a depression. I feel it. Looming over me like a buzzard over dead cattle. It’s there just waiting for me to crack and slip into the darkness waiting for me. I don’t want to do that. I refuse to do that. I will not let this THING grab a hold of me and pull me down. It’s hard to do since I’m pretty much bed ridden right now. All I’ve been able to do is lie in bed, sleep and watch bad TV and movies. Lying in a dark room for too long will bring on that depression. I have to make myself turn on the lights and open the blinds to keep the darkness out. I tell ya, I have every reason to let that cloud engulf me. I’m seriously hurt, I can’t really walk, I’m alone with no one to take care for me and I’m stressed out. But no, I will not give in. I will keep my head held high. I will get better and I will come out of this stronger.

I’ve been doing a lot of praying lately. Asking for guidance. I really want to have an easy road but that just seems impossible for me. I guess it is for everyone really. I used to judge those people who seem to have everything come easily to them. I don’t anymore. I had a friend point out to me that I’m one of those people. I laughed but I guess it’s kind of true. I fell into working for the company I work for. I got promoted really quickly, twice. I have a great job, a great car, and I have my own house. I got all of those things all by myself. The only name on the house and car note is mine. I like it that way.

I always thought that by the time I was 32 I would be married with at least 2 kids. If someone told me I would be working for the company I do, living where I live and have my two dogs I’d laugh and tell them they were wrong. Then I’d probably cry a little. I’m done crying. I have nothing to cry for. I have so many things others would kill for. Maybe not the flesh wound on the leg, but the job, house and car for sure.

So here I am. Sitting on my bed, typing on my computer, with my leg up and hurting and what am I thinking? I’m thinking, thank you Lord for the pain in my leg, because of that pain I know I’m alive. I’m thinking, Lord, take this pain and use it to lessen someone else’s pain. God made me strong. I can handle a little pain in the leg. The past week has really taught me a lot about myself. I do not handle pain well but I was able to lay the while Dr. Pain removed dead tissue from my leg. I handled it. I called that man all kinds of rude names. I called him that in front of my Dad. I said words I don’t think my Dad knew I knew. I handled it. Just like I’ll handle it again Monday. They almost put me in the hospital. They wanted to admit me and remove the crap in the OR because they did not think I would be able to handle it in the office. I proved them wrong. I could handle it. I’ll do it again. I’m scared as hell because I know how badly it will hurt but I’m going to do it.

On this road of learning who I am I’ve found a lot of answers. I know that I am a strong, proud woman. I can handle things I never thought I could. I’ve learned that I’m incredibly forgiving and accepting. I’m also a hopeless romantic. I see my life as a stupid low budget romantic comedy….probably staring Mandy Moore. For some reason I see her playing me, even though she has a lisp and I don’t. I’m still looking to cast my leading man. One thing I know is that I need one strong enough in character to match me. Maybe he’s out there. Maybe he’s not. Maybe I’m meant to be an example to women who never marry and lead a perfectly happy life without a man. I don’t think that is the case for me but the older I get the more I think that. The longer I’m stuck in Birmingham, the more I think that. I have to get out of this city. I have to leave. I can’t stand being here anymore. I have my fingers crossed that work moved to Atlanta or Tennessee. I’d love to move back to Tennessee. It’s home and it’s where I feel I’m supposed to be. God willing, I’ll get back there soon.

I’ve just realized something. I haven’t had déjà vu in a while. That’s interesting to me. See, I look at déjà vu as life’s mile markers. When you are on the right road you’ll get that feeling of having been there or done that before as a way of telling you you’re on the right path. I can’t remember the last time I had déjà vu. I wonder if I’ll get that feeling again sometime soon. I get the feeling I’ll be feeling it soon.

On a bright note, I’m SOOOO looking forward to the cruise. It’s going to be so much damn fun. It’s what it getting me through this damn leg thing.

Well guys, I’m getting tired and my leg is starting to bother me. Time to lie down and give this mind of mine a rest. Ya’ll take care and I’ll talk to ya real soon.

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Ya know happiness is really a great thing.  Most people, when asked if they are happy, will automatically say “sure”, “yeah”, “I guess so” or something like that. I spent a long time thinking I was happy.  I wasn’t unhappy, but I wasn’t as happy as I could have been.  I’ve realized now what was missing.  I was.  My own presence in my day-to-day life was missing.  I wasn’t making myself happy and was depending entirely too much on a man to make me happy.  I’ve realized that my happiness.  My true day-to-day happiness depends on me.  And boy, am I happy.

So what’s changed?  A LOT!  In 2010 I started going to a boot camp fitness class.  The only reason I was going was to make myself look as good as possible in my wedding dress as I could.  The less happy I was in my situation and the more stressful life was with Brian, the more difficult it was for me to go.  Well, I’ve started back.  And this time, the reason is not for a white dress, it is for me and only me.  I wake up every Monday, Wednesday and Friday at 4:45am and drag myself to the 5:30am boot camp class.  There are two trainers that rotate the morning classes, Amy and April.  Both are brutal for very different reasons.  Amy does the boxing, WHICH I LOVE!  I seriously can’t tell you how much I love punching the hell out of those bags.  I even went and bought myself my own boxing gloves and I’ve picked out my boxing name.  Malicious Maggie.  All I need now is a satin robe.  Amy makes me lift weights that I think are too heavy for me until I actually lift them.  She is also SUCH an inspiration.  She lost a ton of weight and looks killer.  I’d give my left arm to have her body and I’m working really hard to get there.  Then there is April or as I call her behind her back, the boot camp Nazi.  I seriously want to turn my car around when I see hers parked in the parking lot.  Her class is GO GO GO and I CAN’T CAN’T CAN’T, or at least I didn’t think I could.  Between the two of them I’m really getting great workouts that make my mind and body feel great.  I’ve come to look forward to the soreness.  There is also Brad who is also the owner.  All three of them are really awesome with checking in on my Facebook page and giving me words of encouragement.  I seriously could not keep my motivation going without them.  Boot camp makes me happy.

What else is making me happy?  My dogs.  Stella and Swarley are two of the cutest dogs ever! They keep me laughing and their unconditional love is just awesome.  They are learning to walk well together on a leash with just me walking them.  I’m doing better at that myself.  I’ve finally figured out the best way to hold each of their leashes.  You have to hold them in the same hand and just let the dogs tangle them up.  That way, if you drop one, it’s wrapped around the one you still have a hold of.  🙂  So yeah, my dogs make me happy.

I’ve also come across someone who makes me happier.  I don’t want to talk about him yet for a couple of reasons but mainly because that is mine.  All anyone needs to know about him is that I’ve smiled more in the past two months than I have in the past three years.  I am very content and very very happy.  And that’s all I’m gonna say about that!

Finally, the biggest change that I’ve made.  I’ve found my faith again.  I found it through myself, and the guy in the paragraph above.  I’ve had a friend tell me that when she went through a tough time she prayed for a man who could be a spiritual leader for her.  I’ve found that.  He kick started it but the thing that sent it into high gear and really smacked me across the face was the night of Easter.  For the first time I watched The Passion of the Christ and I cried for almost the entire movie.  I remember my father telling me when I was in 6th or 7th grade, “Maggie, God gives you 7 whole days a week, and all He asks for is one hour out of that week.  That is not too much to ask for.”  He was right and those words came rushing back at me as I watched Jesus’ death portrayed in that movie.  I thought about how selfish I’d been with my life.  I thought about all of the hurt, pain and anguish Jesus suffered for ME.  For all of us yes, I know, but He suffered for ME.  He died for ME.  It had never hit me that hard before and I felt so ashamed of myself.  I realized that, as cheesy as it sounds, I’ve been letting the devil win.  I’ve been lazy and letting him win.  I had been listening to little voice I hear every Sunday morning saying “You only have two days to sleep in, don’t go to church.”   HOW SELFISH IS THAT?!  Again, Jesus DIED a painful death and there I was not wanting to wake up early because I only had two days to sleep in.  I’m still so ashamed of myself.  But, I’ve changed that.  Now when that voice pops in and tells me to go to sleep, it is silenced by the scenes of that movie that play in my mind.  So finally, at the age of 32, Maggie is finally being the good Catholic and Christian that she should have always been.  It’s about damn time.  Thankfully I’ve chosen to be around a man who finally feels the same as well.  He even went to Easter mass with me.  🙂  But I said I wasn’t going to talk about him so I’m gonna stop.

My heart goes out to those who give the “sure”, “yeah” and “I guess so” answers to the “Are you happy” question.  If you can’t answer that question with a YES, then sit down and think about where you are in your life.  What is missing?  Are you too complacent in where you are?  Are you striving for anything or just going through the motions wasting your God-given days on this earth?  Have you become so set in your day-to-day routine that you’ve lost sight of your happiness?  If that is the case then WAKE UP!  Get moving!  Pray even if you feel stupid doing it.  Someone is listening I promise.  Find something you are passionate about and start doing it!  You will be amazed at the degree of happiness that comes flooding your way when you really focus on the positives and making yourself happy.  I know I was.  I now know that my happiness depends on me.  I know that for me to be happy, I have to wake up and start my day with a good solid hour of working out.  I have to appreciate the good things in my life.  I have to take time to laugh at my silly dogs.  And the most important thing, I have to take time out of my week to get up, go to church and appreciate and be thankful that I am here and that my God loves me.

It has taken a long time and a lot of heartache but if someone were to ask me now if I was happy, my answer would not be “sure” or “yeah” and it sure wouldn’t be “I guess so”.  My answer would be a thoughtful silence, followed by a sigh, followed by a resounding “Yes.”

Here’s to finding your happiness.  Maybe you need a Swarley too!

Swarley makes me happy!

So it’s been a good little while since I posted something.  There are more people than I realize that read this thing and a few have asked me when I was going to update.  So here it is.  This is gonna be long…I’ve been gone a while.  Let’s start with the fun things first shall we?

Guess who just booked herself and a guest their very first cruise?  THIS GIRL DID!  I’m still freaking out about it a little but a good freak out.  In May of 2013 yours truly and a friend will be on a boat!  And yes, I’ll be in my flippy floppys.

So where am I going?  I’ll tell ya.  I will be sailing to Half Moon Cay, St. Thomas, San Juan and Grand Turk and I cannot wait!  The only thing that SUCKS about this is that I have to wait over a year to go.  Oh well, it’s something to look forward to!  Random thought as I listen to “I’m on a Boat!”  I’m gonna have to get one of those T Pain voice changers thingies.  I’ll get as close to the front of the boat as possible and yell into it “I’M THE KING OF THE WORLD!!!”  I’m such a dork.

So yeah, cruise…BOOKED!  Deposit…PAID!  Now it’s time to sit and wait.  Which I can do.  Patiently.  Maybe.  Probably not.  Expect a lot of posts about me being impatient with the next year.

OH TO OTHER THINGS!  This is gonna get a little long and maybe boring but it’s my blog and I want to put it on here.  Here we go…the great picture/text foot and booze war of Sprint Training 2012. So Mom talked Dad into going down to Florida to MLB’s spring training again.  The thing you need to know about my mom is that she’s AWESOME.  Seriously… I love my mom.  She marches to the beat of her own trombone that’s for sure.  Probably where I get it from.  So I’m sitting at work when I get a picture text from my mom.

 Mets @ Braves it says.

So I sent this in response.  State Farm @ my desk

To which my sister responds  utmg @ Germantown.

Then Molly got in on it….

This was day one of Spring Training.  Day two brought this.

 Pirates @ Phillies.

I got that as I was walking to use the little Maggie’s room so I stopped in the middle of the office, looked down, took this picture and sent this response.   Work.  You suck

Later that night I had myself a nice little date at BWW when my cousin decided to jump in on the fun.

 Roll Tide! Sweet Home Alabama!  Said Laura.

So naturally I had to add my two feet, uh cents.   Go Tigers Go!  I feel the need to point out that I had consumed a few beers before I took this.  And yes, I stood up in BWW, got my phone out, put my big ass beer on the floor in-between my feet and took not 1, not 2 but three pictures of this because the first two did not come out.  And yes…people looked at me funny but I was having fun and was a little drunk and didn’t care in the least little bit!  Here’s my “I’m drunk and don’t care stop looking at me face” from that night.

  I digress…

 

Then came another response from my sister Teresa

 T I G E R S

Once of the many reasons I love my sister…she has two different socks on and doesn’t care.

On to the last day of Mom’s spring break trip.  This time I was at home when I got this .  No text to go along with it.

Then came Molly again

I figured it was time to get the cats involved…first was Bocephas  and then came Bosco  He’s a Tiger’s fan.  This is where the foot/drink text messages came to an end.

Seems that no one could trump the cat feet.  I win.

So what else has been going on?  Let’s see.  I gave up Facebook for Lent cause I’m a good Catholic.  I’ve actually been able to stick with this.  Ya me!  Boot camp starts up again Monday morning at 5:30am.  I’ve missed it so much and can’t wait to get back into the swing of things.  Life has been pretty damn fantastic.  I’ve seen a lot of changes and for the first time in a long time I have hope and the further looks bright.  Not because of anyone in particular but because of me babe, ME.  It also helps that there is a guy.  Not gonna get into that because I don’t feel comfortable talking about him yet but he’s there and while I make myself happy, he makes me just a little bit happier.  Ain’t that some shit?

I guess that’s about all of the rambling I’m gonna do today.  I will leave you with this.  It’s not really a challenge.  It’s more of a “do it and see what responses you get.”  I had so much fun texting pictures of my stupid feet back and forth with my family.  It gave me big old belly laughs during a stressful few work days.  I’m gonna keep taking them every once in a while and sending them to random people just to see what they will do in return.  I’ll be so disappointed if someone texts back with an “um…did you get new shoes?” or “why did you send me a picture of your feet?”  Oh GOD…I just thought of something.  What if some sicko foot fetish guy stumbles across this page, sees all of the feet and is like “JACKPOT!”? Well I can’t control it so if it happens, enjoy foot porn man…enjoy!

And yes, I have new shoes.

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