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Oh boy do I have a post coming. Can’t write it right now, but I’m gonna try to get to it tonight. Lots to discuss. until then I’ll leave you with this…

Bye bye bye April. See what I did there?

Bye bye bye April. See what I did there?

Today is one of those days that makes you stop in your tracks, take a deep breath, smile and thank God you’re alive.  It’s insanely beautiful out.

Here comes the sun, and I said it's alright.

My precious

My precious

I decided to buy a new journal today. The old one has gotten a bit raggedy. I’ve actually needed a new one for a while. After work I headed to B&N and used the rest of my birthday gift card on a brand new journal. I then proceeded to sit down and write up a storm while listening to A Fine Frenzy on my patio.

My hands are now covered in ink and my mind is a little less cluttered after my furious writting session.  I’m always amazed at how much better I feel after writting down on paper the things I’m too chicken to share here.

Anyway, I need to try to get some sleep. I’ve had a long day.

I love writing. I do. I love being able to get my thoughts out of my head and down on paper or onto a screen.  Anyone who knows me know that I live in my head.  It gets so cramped in there sometimes.  So jotting things down really helps me to focus.  As much as I love this blog and typing, it will never take the place of my journal. My journal has deep thoughts, bad song writing attempts, and the first paragraph of the book I want to write. It has my every day thoughts and feelings. It’s basically a look right into my soul, and it is as guarded as my own heart is.  Maybe one day I’ll trust someone enough to let them read it. Probably not. Lol back to to work I go.

OK, part two…you can actually read this.  This a real post. Kinda.  Let’s face it. I’m just bored as hell and need to get some of my thoughts out of my head.

So the other day I was reading my horoscope, like I will just for shits and giggles.  I was talking to my friend about it and telling her how I didn’t think I had a lot of the traits that an Aquarius is supposed to possess.  To which my friend replies “Maggie, you are such an Aquarius.”  I’m not so sure about that so let’s take a look and see.  Google here I come!

Here we go.  According to zodiac-signs-astrology.com an Aquarius is…

Aquarius strength keywords

  • Witty … Duh!
  • Clever … of course!
  • Humanitarian … I’m a people person
  • Inventive … I have GREAT ideas!
  • Original … Ain’t no one like me baby

OK, I can get with that.  Yes, I’m all of those things.  Let’s move on to the weaknesses.

Aquarius weakness keywords

  • Stubborn … uhhhh isn’t everyone?
  • Unemotional … (this isn’t true)
  • Sarcastic … who, me?
  • Rebellious … um, yeah I guess.
  • Aloof … it completely depends!

OK so here we go with the meat of it all.  Apparently Aquarius’s, Aquari? Lol  Anyway, my people and I are independent and “any attempt to hold them down or restrict them will cause them to flee…independence is not just desired, it is essential to their wellbeing.”  Um.  Kinda.  I guess.  I mean I love my alone time and I like that I can take care of myself, but I’m not scared of getting tied down, ya know?

Ok this part I can get with.  “They love to make people laugh and cheer people up and it makes them feel good to make others feel good. They are very unconventional and always make life fun.  They might offer you a spontaneous last minute camping trip with no supplies prepared.  If you decide to go along, you will have a weekend to remember forever!”  OK, now that I’ve actually done.  J  I think it’s closing in on time for another random camping trip.  Who wants to come with?!

I also agree with this part.  “Despite their stubbornness and fixed opinion, they will never impose their ideas on others; they have respect for everybody’s differences.”  Yup.

Well, well now.  I completely agree with this as well.   “She is funny, smart, adventurous, never clingy, or jealous.  Anything goes with this woman and any man she chooses will have an amazing relationship.”  Hehehe “Court her and woo her, she expects this ladylike treatment, she is old fashioned in that sense.”  Damn right.  Woo me.  WOOOOO me.  I love that phrase.

Well how the hell about that?  Summer was right.

Seriously, this may be all over the place so you can stop reading now.  Too many things floating around in my head right now.

Just who the hell do you think you are?  That’s a question I’ve been asked multiple times throughout my life.  It’s a question I’ve asked myself too many times to count. It’s also a question I’ve been trying to answer for the past few years.  I think I finally have an answer.  That is, after all, what this blog was supposed to be about.  So let’s take this one small part at a time.  I am someone who loves MUSIC.  Sweet… glorious… music.

Music is such a huge part of my life and who I am.  I don’t know about anyone else but my earliest memories are filled with music.  I have parents who love music, and music seemed to always be on in my house.  I can’t clean my house, put on my makeup, do laundry, hell even type this without music.  I have my mom to thank for that.

I probably has the most diverse taste in music.  I love it all, and I’m not one of those people who say they like all types of music.  I mean I probably know some part of almost any song on any station in any genre of music.  Oldies? Yup.  Rock? Yup.  Classic rock?  Yup.  Country? Yup.  Rap? Yup.  R&B/Hip Hop.  Yup/yup.   50’s. 60’s, 70’s, 80’s?  Yes, yes, yes, and yes.  I love it all.

Some of my earliest memories are of my family and me driving from some part of the south we were currently living in back to Memphis.  When my sisters and I were younger we were subjected to whatever music my parents wanted to listen to. I’m so thankful for that now, though I hated it at the time.  I wanted to listen to New Kids on the Block, not Mo-town, The Eagles, and CCR.  I remember one time, my sisters got to stay home with dad, and I was with my mom and Aunt Martha.  We were listening to a Gladys Knight and the Pips cassette.  YEAHHH a cassette baby!  I knew every song.  I sat in the back, staring out the winder singing my little 9 year old heart out.  I also remember Aunt Martha telling me to give Gladys a change to sing, since she did it so well.  I can’t imagine my Aunt Martha saying that now.

See, I love to sing.  LOVE it. I sing all the time or as much as I can. I’m actually pretty good at it, depending on the genre.  It’s taken a very long time for me to be able to sing in front of people.  It started off with me singing in the car while my mom drove.  Even then it was always soft and probably way off key.  Then at some point, probably immediately after turning 16 and driving around as much as I could, even though dad specifically said “no joyrides” I started singing louder and gained a little confidence.  Who knew I could actually sing a little?  Now it’s hard to get me to shut up.

Not only do I like to sing, but I like to play music too.  At the age of 16 I asked my mom for, wait for it, a violin.  I had previously taken piano lessons.  I had picked out a song or two by ear and mom signed me up for classes.  I hated piano lessons.  Then I signed up for violin in the orchestra class in 6th grade.  I was ok….not great, but I really liked it.  So when I asked for a violin my mother, in her infinite wisdom, bought me a guitar.  Ha! I gladly took it even though I had no idea how to play.  Off to the awesome, kick ass, dial up AOL internet I went to teach myself to play the guitar.  I started out with the easy stuff.  You know, G, C, D.  Basically almost ever Eagles song out there.  Good thing I love The Eagles.  I remember my mom hearing me practice and asking me to come out on the patio and play for her.  So, for the first time intentionally, I played my guitar and sang, out loud, for someone other than myself.  I sang “Take it Easy” and “Peaceful Easy Feeling” for my mother.  She told me I was good.  That meant the world to me.  I still play my guitar every once in a while but the older I get the less I play.  I can pick out a tune, but I am by no means a real guitar player.  I know enough to impress someone who can’t play.  J  I wish I had been brave enough to actually do something with what little talent I was given.

As I sit here, mind swirling in ADD bliss, I keep thinking about how a friend recently told me I was the epitome of an Aquarius.  That took me a bit by surprise.  Sure, I’ll read my horoscope, see what the stars have in line for me, but I’ve never really taken them all that seriously.  Kinda.   So I looked it up… and that is the start of the twofer of todays blog posts.

I really should be working right now.  Writing is writing but this isnt about liability arguments. This is more of a post to remind me to post something real later.  Lots of things floating around in my head that I want to get down, but for now I’ll leave you with this.

image

I was recently reminded of this blog and have since remembered how much I used to enjoy writing. So let’s begin this journey again, shall we? So much has happened in the past two years I don’t even know where to begin.

Let see, how about the sad news first. My cousin Al passed away two days after my birthday. I’m still kind of in disbelief over that. I wouldn’t say we were close but I loved the guy and I know he loved me and if I ever really needed him he would have been there for me. Al had a hard road through this life but boy did he live. Have you ever heard a song at the perfect time that just made you lose it? That happened to me as I was driving back to Memphis for his funeral. On the way home that One Republic song “I Lived” came on. I pretty much immediately burst into tears when I heard it. I don’t know if I’ve ever heard a song that completely encompassed one person’s outlook on life.
I, I did it all
I, I did it all
I owned every second
That this world could give
I saw so many places
The things that I did
With every broken bone
I swear I lived
No kidding, Aloe. With every broken bone you absolutely lived. Through good and bad times you lived and laughed. It breaks my heart that I will never hear your laughter again in this life. You had the best laugh I’ve ever heard. I’ll miss and you cousin.

OK enough of the sad. How about we move on to the idiotic? In this case that would be me. Here’s the thing. After what, 2 years, Maggie decided that it was time for her to start that horrible experience we call “dating” again. Sigh… Let’s just start off with me admitting that I SUCK AT DATING. I mean it. I’m no good at it, terrible in fact. I don’t know how to do it.  Every relationship I’ve ever been in began fast and was hard and passionate and fierce. I didn’t ever really date.  I was just kinda IN a relationship.  Those relationships also all crashed and burned, hard. So I’ve learned that quick and fast isn’t good. What I’m learning now is how to approach a relationship as one should. Slow and steady and to just let it evolve.  I’m beginning to learn how to do that. You see I’ve grown a lot from the last experience.  I’ve learned that I need to be myself, idiotic episodes and all.  I no longer have a problem being myself.  I love myself.  I’m a pretty kick ass chick.  I can be a little much at times, I know this.  I can be loud and moody and very outspoken. At the same time I can be reserved, calm and quiet when I need to be.  I do have to be honest that I prefer happy go lucky Maggie.  She’s a lot of fun. She’s also a lot more self confident than the old Maggie was.  I know who I am, I’m happy with it, I just need to find a man who likes me as much as I do.  🙂

And that is where this really begins.  Dating.

Here is my biggest problem with dating. The game.  Good Lord the game.  WHY MUST WE PLAY GAMES??? Every single person I know complains about “the game” and asks “Why do we have to play the game?” Then they’ll say something like “oh, but you have to play the game.” For the love of all that is good and holy WHY? WHY do we have to play the game? Why can’t it ever be something as simple as “Hey, I kinda like you and would like to hang out a little and see if we’re a good fit. What do you say?” Why are there these unwritten rules that we have to follow?

My current favorite rule is the “you have to wait at least 5 minutes before you respond to a text message” rule. Oh sweet Lord, really? Why? People’s phones are all but glued to their hands in this day and age. I know mine is. I always have my phone on me and while I may not be using it all the time, it’s there within arm’s length. So when I get a text from ANYBODY, I’m always quick to reply. Why then when I get a text from a guy I’m interested in, do I have to wait 3-5 minutes before texting back? It’s silly and honestly unnecessary. Hell, you’d think that if a guy got a response about a minute after sending a text, that he’d be happy and know the girl was interested.  But no, apparently that makes us needy and too available. Why is it a bad thing to show interest? The quick text reply is as close to an actual phone call as we’re gonna get these days. No one talks on the phone and instead we all text. Texting is ruining dating. We’re supposed to talk, not type. How stupid would we sound if we were speaking to each other and the guy asked a question and then waited for 3-5 minutes for the woman to verbally respond? He’d think she’s a moron! So why then is it the exact opposite when it comes to texting? Respond too soon and OH, she’s needy.

Here’s another thing.  I’ve been asked if it would bother me if a guy I was talking to was talking to other women.  I have a yes and no answer to that.  In the beginning when you’re tying to figure out if you want to spend more time with the other person, NO, I don’t have a problem with that.  Go out with other girls.  Have fun.  Find the right person for you.  Hell, I do it.  I’ve come really close to marrying the wrong person.  I don’t want to do that.  I want a marriage like my parents.  They’ve been married for 46 years.  Those kind of marriages are hard to find.  So I want any man I end up with to be certain that I’m the girl for him, and I want to be certain that he’s the guy for me.  You do that by testing the waters with a couple of people.  So no, I have no issue with being one of a few girls a guy is “dating”.  I do have a problem with being one of a few after a relationship has begun, but I’ve talked about that over and over again on this site.  I’m not gonna talk about it anymore.

I honestly think my straight forward way of thinking is going to keep me from ever having another serious relationship again. I’m just too old and too tired of all the games to actually play them. I’d like to meet a guy that’s perfect for me and understands that I can be a little too trapped in my own head sometimes. I’ve recently been talking to a guy. Let me tell ya, I’ve basically done everything I can to scare this guy off. I might have actually succeeded. Yaaaaa (please note the sarcasm.) If I haven’t completely scared him away yet, this post should do it. Ha. I’m pretty sure I’ve put off a “I drink too much” vibe.  Lord, if he only knew the honest to God’s truth.  I will give him this, for some reason, I have no idea why, Maggie has decided to drink a lot. This isn’t typical behavior for me. Don’t get me wrong, I enjoy my beer and wine, but I’ve never really been one to drink on a regular basis. I’ve always been one to drink when I’m out with friends but never really at home. Until recently. So I’ve been having a glass of wine when I get home after work.  Works been really stressful lately and honestly, the wine has relaxed me.  So I get home and crack open a bottle of wine.  The next thing I know, all of the stupid rules start swirling around in my head.  Then my own thoughts on the stupid rules get mixed in and then I start texting. Ugh. Breaking rule number one. I get myself in trouble when texting. See, this guy doesn’t KNOW me. He doesn’t KNOW that I’m not a raging alcoholic and that I’m actually pretty cool and laid back. He’s seeing crazy Maggie. WHY DOES THAT COME OUT?

I was just reminded by one of my best friends that I am the holy grail. I’m 35, never married, no kids (amen), have my own house, a car and a great job. I’m not looking for a sugar daddy to take care of me and my 3 kids from 3 different baby daddies. Don’t get me wrong, I’d like to end up with a guy who is able to provide for me and take care of me and who is willing to be a man. I’m a believer that there are specific roles for men and women in relationships.  I don’t mind helping bring home the bacon, but I want a man who wants to be the man of the relationship.  He’s supposed to be the problem solver, the one who fixes.  I’m supposed to be the nurturer.  Let me soothe and comfort.  You fix the problems.  There is a natural balance to relationships and I really think that women may age get accustomed to having to fill both roles that they don’t know how to take a back seat and let the man do for them.  Wow, this got really off topic didn’t it?

ANYWAY, I hate dating.  Hate it.  I just really hope that I can find a guy who understands I can be a little neurotic at times but I’m always able to reign it back in.  I want to find a guy who balances me and that I balance in return.  A partnership built on friendship, respect and love.  It really shouldn’t be so hard.  So, for any potential dude out there.  If you text me, and I text you back pretty quickly, please know that I’m not needy, I just respect your time, like you at least a little bit, and felt like texting you back then instead of waiting 3-5 minutes.  🙂

 

 

 

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