I’ve been away for a couple of days and I’m ready to let y’all know why. There is something extremely wrong with my lower right leg. I have an open wound on it just above my ankle and it hurts. I went to the doctor on Tuesday and he sent me to the Wound Care Center in the hospital the next day. My Dad came down to take me and my oldest sister went as well. I hardly slept the night before. I was too scared to sleep. Dad drove us to my 7:45am appointment. What I experienced during my appointment was the most painful thing I’ve ever had to endure. I sat there, with nothing but lidocaine on my wound, as the doctor pulled out all of the dead tissue. I don’t have adequate enough words to properly describe the pain I felt. The pain I will have to feel again Monday at my second appointment. Thankfully my Dad is coming back down again.

I’m not gonna lie y’all. This wound thing really scares me. I don’t know if it’s a spider bite or an infected hair follicle or if I have diabetes. They are checking for that and I should know Monday if I have it or not. That’s pretty damn scary as well. I’ve been alone for most of this. Dad came down Tuesday night and left Wednesday after my appointment. I’ve not been able to go to work because the pain has been too bad and the side effects of the antibiotics have made me sick. I’ve been stuck in my house, alone for the past two days. When you are alone for extended periods of time your mind wanders. And wander did mine, let me tell ya. I’ve thought of every scary thing that could happen to me because of this leg wound. My mind has gone from a miraculous recovery to an amputation. Then my mind began to wonder if it will always be like this. Me. Alone. Dealing with shit on my own. Mom and Dad aren’t always going to be around and my dogs, as loving as they are, can’t drive to the store and buy me cereal. I really want some cereal y’all. I’d slap my own momma for some Special K Honey Almond cereal right now. It hurts to walk and I’ve been told not to if I don’t have to. So that is where I am and where I’m scared I will always be. Alone…with my dogs…wanting cereal but not able to have any.

I’m so pissed off about this leg thing. It could not have happened at a worse time. It’s like the sky opened up and decided to pee all over me. Work is so stressful right now and I haven’t been able to get there this week and will miss at least one day next week. I’m not allowed to exercise again until the doctor tells me I can and I was making such good progress! All that is down the crapper. The only thing saving me I think is the fact that I have no appetite. I have to force myself to eat.

I’m scared that I’m slipping into a depression. I feel it. Looming over me like a buzzard over dead cattle. It’s there just waiting for me to crack and slip into the darkness waiting for me. I don’t want to do that. I refuse to do that. I will not let this THING grab a hold of me and pull me down. It’s hard to do since I’m pretty much bed ridden right now. All I’ve been able to do is lie in bed, sleep and watch bad TV and movies. Lying in a dark room for too long will bring on that depression. I have to make myself turn on the lights and open the blinds to keep the darkness out. I tell ya, I have every reason to let that cloud engulf me. I’m seriously hurt, I can’t really walk, I’m alone with no one to take care for me and I’m stressed out. But no, I will not give in. I will keep my head held high. I will get better and I will come out of this stronger.

I’ve been doing a lot of praying lately. Asking for guidance. I really want to have an easy road but that just seems impossible for me. I guess it is for everyone really. I used to judge those people who seem to have everything come easily to them. I don’t anymore. I had a friend point out to me that I’m one of those people. I laughed but I guess it’s kind of true. I fell into working for the company I work for. I got promoted really quickly, twice. I have a great job, a great car, and I have my own house. I got all of those things all by myself. The only name on the house and car note is mine. I like it that way.

I always thought that by the time I was 32 I would be married with at least 2 kids. If someone told me I would be working for the company I do, living where I live and have my two dogs I’d laugh and tell them they were wrong. Then I’d probably cry a little. I’m done crying. I have nothing to cry for. I have so many things others would kill for. Maybe not the flesh wound on the leg, but the job, house and car for sure.

So here I am. Sitting on my bed, typing on my computer, with my leg up and hurting and what am I thinking? I’m thinking, thank you Lord for the pain in my leg, because of that pain I know I’m alive. I’m thinking, Lord, take this pain and use it to lessen someone else’s pain. God made me strong. I can handle a little pain in the leg. The past week has really taught me a lot about myself. I do not handle pain well but I was able to lay the while Dr. Pain removed dead tissue from my leg. I handled it. I called that man all kinds of rude names. I called him that in front of my Dad. I said words I don’t think my Dad knew I knew. I handled it. Just like I’ll handle it again Monday. They almost put me in the hospital. They wanted to admit me and remove the crap in the OR because they did not think I would be able to handle it in the office. I proved them wrong. I could handle it. I’ll do it again. I’m scared as hell because I know how badly it will hurt but I’m going to do it.

On this road of learning who I am I’ve found a lot of answers. I know that I am a strong, proud woman. I can handle things I never thought I could. I’ve learned that I’m incredibly forgiving and accepting. I’m also a hopeless romantic. I see my life as a stupid low budget romantic comedy….probably staring Mandy Moore. For some reason I see her playing me, even though she has a lisp and I don’t. I’m still looking to cast my leading man. One thing I know is that I need one strong enough in character to match me. Maybe he’s out there. Maybe he’s not. Maybe I’m meant to be an example to women who never marry and lead a perfectly happy life without a man. I don’t think that is the case for me but the older I get the more I think that. The longer I’m stuck in Birmingham, the more I think that. I have to get out of this city. I have to leave. I can’t stand being here anymore. I have my fingers crossed that work moved to Atlanta or Tennessee. I’d love to move back to Tennessee. It’s home and it’s where I feel I’m supposed to be. God willing, I’ll get back there soon.

I’ve just realized something. I haven’t had déjà vu in a while. That’s interesting to me. See, I look at déjà vu as life’s mile markers. When you are on the right road you’ll get that feeling of having been there or done that before as a way of telling you you’re on the right path. I can’t remember the last time I had déjà vu. I wonder if I’ll get that feeling again sometime soon. I get the feeling I’ll be feeling it soon.

On a bright note, I’m SOOOO looking forward to the cruise. It’s going to be so much damn fun. It’s what it getting me through this damn leg thing.

Well guys, I’m getting tired and my leg is starting to bother me. Time to lie down and give this mind of mine a rest. Ya’ll take care and I’ll talk to ya real soon.

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