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I’ve been thinking about writing this for a long time now.  I’ve thrown the words around, re-arranged them and put them back.  I’ve gone back and forth over if this was the right thing to do or not.  The decision I came to was to post it.  Why?  Because I actually care.  I am not bitter, I am not mad, and I’m no longer sad over what could have been.  What I am now is a woman who has been hurt and is concerned for another woman who has been hurt more than I have.

First things first.  I have finally let go of Brian.  He’s not good enough for me and I’ve finally realized that.  After all of the lying and cheating I am finally ready to have a life that he does not live in.  I’m so very tired of caring about a little boy who only cares about himself.  The “depression”.  HA!  Now I’m not saying that there is no depression.  I fully believe that he suffers from it.  I also fully believe that one can only get better when one wants to, and he does not want to.  He is perfectly happy in his misery and always will be.  He did confirm my biggest fear I had about our relationship.  After telling that poor woman Jodi that he could not and would not be with her back in February, he has gone right on back to her.  Now the Maggie of a year ago would be mad at Jodi.  The Maggie sitting on this couch right now has no anger toward her.  If she is what makes him happy then I’m happy for the both of them.  I really am.  But the thing is if she only knew the things he said about her.  I’m sure she could say the same.  He’s probably told her a lot about me, and I honestly don’t care because he will never be in my life again.  The thing is, OK, I’m gonna get real honest right now and it’s gonna piss her off but believe it or not, she is actually my concern.  So here goes…

Jodi,

He told me he was not happy with you.  He said that he didn’t like who he was with you and he felt that you put him down when he talked about church and things that were important to him.  He told me he did not want you, love you or want to marry you.  He said you made him see only the darkness. He probably told you the same thing about me.  I don’t doubt that for a second.  But here is the thing.  Brian Goodman cannot be trusted with a woman’s heart.  He doesn’t know how to love or care and he isn’t trying to learn those things.  Think about what you actually know of him and his relationships.  He was unfaithful to his wife from the get go.  For whatever reason, his fault, her fault, a combo of the two.  The man cheated.  He admittedly has never been in a relationship where he has not cheated on the woman.  The two of us, Jodi and Maggie, we were very much a part of each others relationship.  You were always there and I have been there for over 4 years.  Brian Goodman used us.  Both of us. He is using you now.  Please believe me when I say that I have no hard feelings towards you.  I don’t hate you, I don’t wish bad things for you.  I want for you what he has never been able to give you and what you deserve.  Happiness.  Here’s the deal.  I’ve read your blog.  I saw the happiness that was coming out of you when you decided to be happy and work on you.  The same thing happened to me and then I gave that all away in February when he came crawling back.  I was honestly happy for you as I read your blog.  I read the hurtful things you said about me and understood.  I was not mad.  Still not. Let me preface my next thoughts with this.  I in no way shape or form EVER, EVER EVER EVER, want Brian Goodman in my life ever again.  AT ALL.  He is a cancer to me that I want cut out.  I will never take him back even though I know he will try.  I refuse to attach myself to a man who is incapable of happiness and who cannot love anyone other than himself.  So this is not a let me talk you into leaving him so that I can have him.  HA!  Been there, done that and burned up his t-shirts.  With that being said.  Please Jodi, please take care of yourself first.  Please don’t believe his lies.  YOU deserve so much better than this man.  What I’m about to say may hurt, but I feel it needs to be said.  If he was serious about you, why is he still here and you still there after what, 9 years?  YOU deserve better!!!  I want better for you.  YOU are actually in my prayers that you find true happiness in the form of a man who will NEVER make you wonder if he is talking to another woman.  You know you wonder that.  I know you’ve checked my blog to see if I was talking to him.  If I would post about him.  That is no way to live.  That is no way to LOVE.  He is not worth it and you are worth SO MUCH more than he can ever give you.  Deep down you know that I’m right.

Do I think you will read this and think, “Oh my god Maggie thank you, thank you for pointing all of this out you are so right!”  No, I don’t.  I think you will read this and pissed as hell.  I wish there was someway for you to believe and understand that it is actually you, a woman I have never met, that I care about.  We are very alike.  We have both let a man snowball us with his pretty words and promises of what will be.  WE have both wanted him and wanted to be the one to “fix” him.  We would be the one to love him enough for him to “get better.”  He’s never going to get better.  Not until he actually does something about it.  If he is who you want, and he wants you and you two are meant to be together, then GOOD!  I loved him too long to completely hate him and I want him to be happy.  If that is with you, then awesome!  But, please know that he is so messed up right now and if you stand to have any chance of happiness with him, then keep doing what you have been.  Work on you.  Keep him out of your life until you know with certainty that he has actually changed.  A few months and pretty words do not change a man.  I know your story.  He told me a lot of it.  I know that you are a wonderful mother that would do anything for her son.  I know that you are a good person who is just looking for love.  You deserve so much better than what he can give you, and so do I.

So here is what I am willing to do, and I know you will laugh and won’t take me up on it.  When he does to you what he has done every other time, and I think you know deep down he will, I will be here to listen as a woman who knows EXACTLY what you are going through.  I am extending the olive branch of friendship if you ever want to pick it up.  It is my sincere hope that he does not break your heart.  It really is. If he does breaks your heart again just leave me a message on this blog and I will respond.  I hope I don’t have to but there it is.

Be happy.  Love yourself first and NEVER, love a man more than he loves you, especially Brian Goodman.  He does not deserve it.

Maggie

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Just wanted to take a second to say LIFE IS GOOD!!! I’m so happy and so content with where I am.  So much to tell but I’m on pain meds and will update soon, maybe tomorrow.  As for right now I’m loving life!

My leg HURTS! I’m going back to the doctor tomorrow morning to have more dead stuff removed. I’m terrified as I now know the pain that is waiting for me. Luckily, my regular doctor sent in a prescription for some anxiety pills to help calm me down before I go in tomorrow. My dad is back in town and that’s making it a little easier. I’m also going to try to get back to work on Tuesday after sleeping all of tomorrow away after my appointment. Gotta get back into the swing of things, as they say.

This is seriously the suckiest of all sucky things I’ve ever had to deal with, but I’m a strong girl and I’ll get through this. I just wish it would hurry up and be over with already.

Speaking of other sucky things. I had a great talk with my dad yesterday. One of those talks that you have and afterwards you realize you are still that man’s little girl. It was really nice and reminded me of some things I had forgotten. I don’t want to get into that right now. That will take more thought than I’m willing to give this post right now. I’ll fill y’all in on that later this week.

Prayers and well wishes/thoughts will be welcomed tomorrow at 10:15am please and thank you.

I’ve been away for a couple of days and I’m ready to let y’all know why. There is something extremely wrong with my lower right leg. I have an open wound on it just above my ankle and it hurts. I went to the doctor on Tuesday and he sent me to the Wound Care Center in the hospital the next day. My Dad came down to take me and my oldest sister went as well. I hardly slept the night before. I was too scared to sleep. Dad drove us to my 7:45am appointment. What I experienced during my appointment was the most painful thing I’ve ever had to endure. I sat there, with nothing but lidocaine on my wound, as the doctor pulled out all of the dead tissue. I don’t have adequate enough words to properly describe the pain I felt. The pain I will have to feel again Monday at my second appointment. Thankfully my Dad is coming back down again.

I’m not gonna lie y’all. This wound thing really scares me. I don’t know if it’s a spider bite or an infected hair follicle or if I have diabetes. They are checking for that and I should know Monday if I have it or not. That’s pretty damn scary as well. I’ve been alone for most of this. Dad came down Tuesday night and left Wednesday after my appointment. I’ve not been able to go to work because the pain has been too bad and the side effects of the antibiotics have made me sick. I’ve been stuck in my house, alone for the past two days. When you are alone for extended periods of time your mind wanders. And wander did mine, let me tell ya. I’ve thought of every scary thing that could happen to me because of this leg wound. My mind has gone from a miraculous recovery to an amputation. Then my mind began to wonder if it will always be like this. Me. Alone. Dealing with shit on my own. Mom and Dad aren’t always going to be around and my dogs, as loving as they are, can’t drive to the store and buy me cereal. I really want some cereal y’all. I’d slap my own momma for some Special K Honey Almond cereal right now. It hurts to walk and I’ve been told not to if I don’t have to. So that is where I am and where I’m scared I will always be. Alone…with my dogs…wanting cereal but not able to have any.

I’m so pissed off about this leg thing. It could not have happened at a worse time. It’s like the sky opened up and decided to pee all over me. Work is so stressful right now and I haven’t been able to get there this week and will miss at least one day next week. I’m not allowed to exercise again until the doctor tells me I can and I was making such good progress! All that is down the crapper. The only thing saving me I think is the fact that I have no appetite. I have to force myself to eat.

I’m scared that I’m slipping into a depression. I feel it. Looming over me like a buzzard over dead cattle. It’s there just waiting for me to crack and slip into the darkness waiting for me. I don’t want to do that. I refuse to do that. I will not let this THING grab a hold of me and pull me down. It’s hard to do since I’m pretty much bed ridden right now. All I’ve been able to do is lie in bed, sleep and watch bad TV and movies. Lying in a dark room for too long will bring on that depression. I have to make myself turn on the lights and open the blinds to keep the darkness out. I tell ya, I have every reason to let that cloud engulf me. I’m seriously hurt, I can’t really walk, I’m alone with no one to take care for me and I’m stressed out. But no, I will not give in. I will keep my head held high. I will get better and I will come out of this stronger.

I’ve been doing a lot of praying lately. Asking for guidance. I really want to have an easy road but that just seems impossible for me. I guess it is for everyone really. I used to judge those people who seem to have everything come easily to them. I don’t anymore. I had a friend point out to me that I’m one of those people. I laughed but I guess it’s kind of true. I fell into working for the company I work for. I got promoted really quickly, twice. I have a great job, a great car, and I have my own house. I got all of those things all by myself. The only name on the house and car note is mine. I like it that way.

I always thought that by the time I was 32 I would be married with at least 2 kids. If someone told me I would be working for the company I do, living where I live and have my two dogs I’d laugh and tell them they were wrong. Then I’d probably cry a little. I’m done crying. I have nothing to cry for. I have so many things others would kill for. Maybe not the flesh wound on the leg, but the job, house and car for sure.

So here I am. Sitting on my bed, typing on my computer, with my leg up and hurting and what am I thinking? I’m thinking, thank you Lord for the pain in my leg, because of that pain I know I’m alive. I’m thinking, Lord, take this pain and use it to lessen someone else’s pain. God made me strong. I can handle a little pain in the leg. The past week has really taught me a lot about myself. I do not handle pain well but I was able to lay the while Dr. Pain removed dead tissue from my leg. I handled it. I called that man all kinds of rude names. I called him that in front of my Dad. I said words I don’t think my Dad knew I knew. I handled it. Just like I’ll handle it again Monday. They almost put me in the hospital. They wanted to admit me and remove the crap in the OR because they did not think I would be able to handle it in the office. I proved them wrong. I could handle it. I’ll do it again. I’m scared as hell because I know how badly it will hurt but I’m going to do it.

On this road of learning who I am I’ve found a lot of answers. I know that I am a strong, proud woman. I can handle things I never thought I could. I’ve learned that I’m incredibly forgiving and accepting. I’m also a hopeless romantic. I see my life as a stupid low budget romantic comedy….probably staring Mandy Moore. For some reason I see her playing me, even though she has a lisp and I don’t. I’m still looking to cast my leading man. One thing I know is that I need one strong enough in character to match me. Maybe he’s out there. Maybe he’s not. Maybe I’m meant to be an example to women who never marry and lead a perfectly happy life without a man. I don’t think that is the case for me but the older I get the more I think that. The longer I’m stuck in Birmingham, the more I think that. I have to get out of this city. I have to leave. I can’t stand being here anymore. I have my fingers crossed that work moved to Atlanta or Tennessee. I’d love to move back to Tennessee. It’s home and it’s where I feel I’m supposed to be. God willing, I’ll get back there soon.

I’ve just realized something. I haven’t had déjà vu in a while. That’s interesting to me. See, I look at déjà vu as life’s mile markers. When you are on the right road you’ll get that feeling of having been there or done that before as a way of telling you you’re on the right path. I can’t remember the last time I had déjà vu. I wonder if I’ll get that feeling again sometime soon. I get the feeling I’ll be feeling it soon.

On a bright note, I’m SOOOO looking forward to the cruise. It’s going to be so much damn fun. It’s what it getting me through this damn leg thing.

Well guys, I’m getting tired and my leg is starting to bother me. Time to lie down and give this mind of mine a rest. Ya’ll take care and I’ll talk to ya real soon.

 

I am filled with so much faith, hope and love. But mostly love. 🙂

 

Y’all. I can’t explain it but damn I feel great today. It’s beautiful outside and my head is clear.  I’ve got some plans made.  No idea if they are the right way to go but I’m goin! We Shall see if the outcome is one I want. Until then, I’m smiling!

The day has finally come for me to tell you about the wonderful, fabulous, incredible Tenacious D weekend.  My friend Molly and I have been Tenacious D fans forever.  It’s what we bonded as friends over.  I will never be able to hear a Tenacious D song without thinking of my Molly.  A long time ago Molly and I were riding in my car, cause it’s the one we could smoke in, listening to the first Tenacious D CD.  We decided then and there that if they ever came anywhere close to Birmingham we were going.  About 6 years later I got a call from Molly.  She was freaking out and told me to sit down.  TENACIOUS D WILL BE IN NASHVILLE AT THE END OF JUNE AND WE ARE GOING!  I’m glad I sat down.  Immediately we got online and began searching for tickets.  The best we could get were limited view seats.  Without hesitation we bought them.  A few months later we hit the road.I picked molly up at her house and then began the drive.  At first we decided to NOT listen to all three Tenacious D CDs since we were going to the show and didn’t want to get burnt out on them. That lasted until the end of her street.  In went CD number one.  We were halfway through the seconds CD when we made to TN exit #6.  The infamous Boobie Bungalow exit.  Let me tell you a little about this exit.  This exit is just inside the TN state line and has an adult fun store, a gas station and The Boobie Bungalow.  We had stopped at this exit before on our way to Nashville about three years prior.  This time was so much better.  I pulled into the parking lot, intending to go in and buy a T-shirt or cup or SOMETHING.  Unfortunately for us, the place was closed.  This did not upset us as we realized it was a perfect photo op.  I parked the car and we jumped out.  Picture #1 was taken.

The infamous Boobie Bungalow

After a few pictures, I won’t bore you with them as they are more of the same, Molly and I fondling the OO’s in the sign, I heard Molly. THERE’S A DEAD BIRD OVER HERE! Sure enough I walk over and see a dead bird, how had apparently had too much fun at the Bungalow the night before, dead in the ash tray thingy. That deserves a picture I said and snapped away.

Too much boobie….

That’s when I noticed the corn field in front of the place.  I have this weird love/hate relationship with corn fields. I’m fascinated by them but they terrify me.  Probably because of the movie The Children of the Corn; I have my high school friends, Melanie and Allison to thank for that.

He wants you too Malichi!

It was after I took this picture that I noticed the blue Rav 4 pulling up to the parking lot.

Me: Holy shit Molly someone is pulling up!

Molly: What the hell, where?

Me: There….the blue Rav 4. 

An Asian man pulled up next to my car and then asked up what time WE opened.

Me:  Well the club opens at 4:00 but we don’t go on until 11:00

That’s not actually what I said but damn I wish it was.  What really happened is that Molly and I both looked at each other, then walked to the front of the club and told him the club opened at 4:00. The man stared at us and then drove off.

Me: Holy shit Molly that was too scary.  Seriously, he could have drug us out in to the cornfield and let He Who Walks Behind the Rows have us…. He could BE He Who Walks Behind the Rows!

Molly:  He is NOT HE Who Walks Behind the Rows.  Calm down Maggie.

Me (singing): Secret, Asian Man!  Secret, Asian man!  He’s coming to your strip club, and takin away your thong.

 

So back in the car we get and off to the big giant chicken that sits outside of the gas station next to the Bungalow.

Molly and the big ass chicken!

Me and the big ass chicken!

Molly and I took our turns taking pictures with the giant bird.  As we were walking back to the car I see the blue Rav 4 and the Asian man walking towards us saying something.

Creepy Asian Dude:  incoherent talking

Me: What?

Creepy Asian Dude: Do you want me to take y’alls picture together?

Me: Um…no thanks.  We’re good!

 That’s when I jumped in the car, slammed it in reverse and took off like a bat out of hell.

Molly: Whoa!  What’s going on?!

Me: Creepy Asian dude!  At the gas station!  Wanted to take out picture!!!

Molly: Get us the hell outta here!

And I did! He followed us to the exit and then went the other way.  Crisis adverted.  ON TO NASHVILLE!!!!

We pulled into Nashville and went to my Aunt’s house.  My Aunt and Uncle live in a barn that they converted into a house.  I love the barn.  It’s one of my favorite places on earth.

Doe, a deer, a female deer….at the barn.

Sign at the barn.

The next day Aunt Martha, Molly and I went shopping.  At one point, I, Maggie, had on an $865.00 pair of Manolo’s.  They were marked down to $409.99 y’all.  ON SALE!  I couldn’t get them but I totally tried them on.  Sigh….one day….one day.

Hello lover…

ON SALE!!!

With shopping over it was time for the concert.  Off to the Ryman we went.  We made it down the Broadway St and decided to eat at Merchant’s.  We had SUCH a good meal and then ordered dessert.  I ordered the key lime pie and Molly ordered the cheesecake.  The guy brought it out and it looked like he brought out two cheesecakes.

Me: Um, I didn’t order the cheesecake, but it’s no big deal, I’ll eat it. 

Dude with Dessert:  Um….yeah…..well…OK, if you’re sure.

Me: Totally sure.  Don’t worry about it at all.

This is when I notice Molly CRACKING up.

Me: What the hell is so funny?

Molly: You dumbass!  He brought you the key lime pie!

Me: But it’s not green???

Molly: REAL key lime pie ISN’T green Maggie.

Me: Ooooooh.  Ha…ha…yeah. 

Cheesecake

NOT cheesecake

With the pie, not cheesecake, eaten it was time to get to the show.  We made our way to our seats and began to try to keep from freaking out.  The first thing we noticed was how many people younger than us were there.  We had wondered if there would be any kids there but didn’t really think so.  Boy were we wrong!  The second thing I noticed was this….

Gotta look really closely….those are milk jugs on her jugs!

Her milkshakes brings all the boys to the yard.  She was one of two black people there.  I know this because when the seconds black person, another woman, walked by her she screamed LOUDLY WOO HOO!  THE ONLY TWO!  It’s nice to know The D transcends all races.

After the opening acts I was almost witness to a fight.  The guys in front of us had bought a poster that fell under the seats.  The kid next to the guy took it and sat on it.  I watched as these grown men got out their cell phones and began looking for the poster while the opening act was still playing. When the house lights came on, they saw the kid sitting on it.  They asked the kid if he bought it and the kid said he did.  The man asked if he paid with a credit card and the kid said yes.  You’re a liar the man said.  You can’t pay with a card, cash only punk!  They stared to bow up at each other while I softly began to chant, fight, fight, fight.  The kid eventually gave the poster back, left his seat and came back about 30 minutes later in a different shirt and without his baseball cap.  Yeah, we TOTALLY don’t know it’s you, dumbass.

Then, the moment we were waiting for came.  Tenacious D took the stage!

Rage Kage and Jaybles!

There were space squids, and a giant penis shaped phoenix.  I had to really look for the phoenix because of the damn limited view but there it was in all its glory.  At the end of the show confetti “erupted” from the phoenix.  It was SUCH a great show.  The kids next to us sang their hearts out along with Molly and I and I loved every minute of it.

Space Squid!

The “phoenix” and the kid that almost got into the fight.

Molly and I managed to make it back to the Barn.  We had to get around the Tim McGraw and Kenny Chesney concert goers in their sun dresses and cowboy boots.  That show was pretty much across the street from where we were.  After turning around about 15 times Molly and I finally got going in the right direction and made it to the Barn safely.

That weekend is one of the best weekends I’ve ever had.  Almost getting dragged into a cornfield by the creepy Asian dude, shopping with Aunt Martha, drinking on the deck with Aunt Martha and Molly, seeing a concert that we NEVER thought we would ever be able to see with Molly.  You just can’t ask for a much better weekend.

And that children, is all I’m willing to tell from that weekend.  The story of the ice-cream and “Boss” will just have to be something Molly and I know about and laugh at.  Nothing like inside stories huh?

One more for the night.  I’m in a writing mood!  I’m trying very hard to be forgiving to someone who really doesn’t deserve my forgiveness so quickly.  I’m realizing to let go of my hatred and anger I have to give my forgiveness.  This is a very hard thing to do.  Very hard.  But as the title says, Karma is a bitch.  What goes around will always come around. Which is something people should remember.  It’s why I’m trying my hardest to not be spiteful.  That is much easier said than done.

Prayer is a powerful thing.  I’ve been doing a lot of it and it has helped.  I have smiled so much today.  I feel like a huge weight was lifted off of me yesterday morning.  My happiness quickly returned to me this afternoon and I haven’t stopped smiling yet.  It’s amazing how there are people in your life who can really care about you. I have found that throughout my entire ordeal with He Who Shall Not Be Named, I have made two wonderful friends in his brother and sister-in-law.  If that is the one of the few good things I can take from that relationship then what business do I have feeling sad or sorry for myself?  I continue to amaze myself at the fact that I’m smiling a real smile as I type this.  I’m so happy I could laugh.  It is AMAZING how beautiful life becomes when the negative people in your life are no longer there to drag you down!

A long time ago I went to a religious retreat called SEARCH.  My best friend at the time, Biff, had been and she told me that she wanted me to go.  She said that out of everyone she knew, she thought I would benefit from it the most.  I asked her why and she told me that it was all about taking off your “mask.”  For some reason this really made me mad.  I don’t think I talked to her for a week.  Well I ended up going.  It was in a high school and was led by a lot of my friends.  I left not really taking much out of it.  I smiled and told everyone it was really great and that I learned a lot but I thought I was lying.  It wasn’t until today that the memories of that weekend came flooding back to me.  A big change happened to me this weekend. A life changing thing.  I don’t want to get into that because this post isn’t about that at all. I also don’t want to talk about it with people who actually know me so please don’t ask just know that it’s a good thing and I’m going to be just damn fine.  This post is about what this entire blog is supposed to be about.  Finding Maggie.

I met my friend Molly today for coffee.  We ended up talking for about 4 hours.  We went to talk about the big thing but ended up talking about life in general, work, family, and friends.  It was exactly what I needed.  On my way home, as I was getting off of the interstate a song came on the radio.  It was a song from that SEARCH weekend so long ago.  The counselors, my friends, had to share personal stories at this retreat.  Stories in their life that caused them to rely on God.  My friend Wes stood up and proceeded to tell us about when his father was killed.  To this day my memories of that horrible time still bring me to tears.  In addition to their stories they selected songs to go along with the stories.  Wes’ song was In Your Eyes by Peter Gabriel.  This is the song I heard on the way home.

As I listened to the song I began to cry tears of joy.  

Love, I get so lost sometimes.  Days pass and this emptiness fills my heart.  When I want to run away I drive off in my car.  But whichever way I go I come back to the place you are.

The past month or so I’ve really been thinking a lot about love.  The lack of love that one can feel and what to do about that emptiness.  This song hits so close to home for me.  Those who know me know that I do my best thinking in my car.  Whenever I’m really upset about something I will get in my car and drive.  I really identify with this song.  Like most people, I would always think that this song was about the love between a man and a woman.  It very well may be.  But ever since Wes played it at SEARCH I think of the love between God and us.

And all my instincts, they return, the grand façade so soon will burn.  Without a noise.  Without my pride.  I reach out for the inside.

In your eyes.  The light the heat.  I am complete. I see the doorway to a thousand churches.  The resolution of all my fruitless searches.  Oh I wanna be that complete.  I wanna touch the light the heat I see in your eyes. 

 

You see, whenever bad things happen or things aren’t going my way I try to fix them on my own.  My past relationships have obviously caused me to lose sight of myself; why else would this blog be here?  The thing is it seems that every time I’ve really loved and lost, all of my instincts return.  I turn to God. I go back to church.  I read the bible.  I read the devotional my mother gave me.  I don’t get into my car.  I go outside into my backyard, watch my dogs play and look up at the sky and trees.  It’s in that moment that I feel God’s presence the most and I feel complete.  It’s that moment that I’m reminded that I don’t need a man to feel whole.  I need God.

Love, I don’t like to see so much pain.  So much wasted, and this moment keeps slipping away.  I get so tired working so hard for our survival.  I look to the time with you to keep me awake and alive.

I don’t like who I am when I lose sight of my faith.  Things don’t go well for me when I do.  I hurt more.  I make bad decisions.  I waste valuable time and it makes it harder to come home to my God.  I’m so tired of trying to do this on my own.  I’m tired of trying to pick of the pieces of my broken heart all by myself.  I love my family and I love my friends, but they only want to hear so much before you’re told, it’s time to move on and get over this.  NONE of them have actually said those words.  I’ve stopped talking to keep them from saying anything close to that.

The past 48 hours have been a roller coaster of emotions for me.  They went from the highest of highs to the abyss of nothingness.  It was today that I began my climb and the sun is bright and getting bigger and bigger.  I got an email today from wordpress.  A blogger liked a few of my posts.  I went to her blog and read all of it.  She’s had troubled relationships and has asked herself the question, What would happen if I was single in every aspect of the word for 1000 days?  That’s over three years y’all!  She could very well be one of the bravest women I’ll ever not meet but know about.  1000 days of focusing on her.  In essence she’s finding herself.  She’s dedicated 1000 days to herself.  Now, I’m not going to put a number of days on finding myself but I was so inspired by her.  She’s SO RIGHT!  We as humans are always seeking companionship.  Going from relationship to relationship and never quite getting comfortable with ourselves on our own. Being alone is so different from being lonely.  Why do we jump from relationship to relationship?  Why do so many people have such a big fear of being alone?  What is it about us as humans that make us so damn uncomfortable just being by ourselves?  I’m so tired of it.  I’m so tired of trying to please every damn person in my life. I’m tired of worrying about someone else’s feelings.  I’m tired of worrying if there will be any attractive men at any of the places I go.  I’m tired of not being me!!!

This is where we get back to SEARCH.  SEARCH was all about being you.  Not wearing the masks that each of us wears every damn day.  I don’t have to be happy every single day of my life! I don’t have to pretend that I’m OK when I’m not.  I don’t have to hide worry or sadness.  I don’t have to sacrifice MY HAPPINESS for someone else’s.  I DON’T HAVE TO!!!  So here I am.  Taking all of those damn masks off and putting them in a box.

I’ve decided to be myself.  Just me.  For myself and no one else.  The question is; who am I without those damn masks? I’ll tell you who I am.  I’m Michael and Mary’s third daughter.  I’m the baby of the family and I’ve acted like one for way too long.  I’m Lee and Teresa’s sister.  I’m a very proud person. I’m proud of my family and very proud of how far I’ve come as a person.  I’m proud of my heritage (anyone who knows me knows that to be the truth!)  I’m stubborn as hell and hate admitting that I’m wrong.  I’m loud and very impatient.  I’m a woman struggling to find herself.  I love laughing and love making people laugh.  I’m loyal to those who love me, sometimes to a fault.  I’m caring and compassionate.  I take on others worries.  I struggle to make others happy and can neglect myself.  I’m talented.  I have so many talents that are wasted.  I can sing…well.  I can play multiple musical instruments.  I can draw and paint.  And I can write.  I’m so damn empathetic.  When others hurt, I hurt.  I’m goofy and such a dork.  I’m an animal lover and would take in every stray I came across if I could.  I’m good at my job and take a lot of pride in that.  I’m a Catholic.  One that has lapsed a time or two but like the prodigal son I keep coming back because that’s what I was raised to do.

My father.  My daddy.  He’s the strongest person I know.  That man raised me with such a strong faith in God.  A faith that I too have but one that is not as strong as it will be.  My father has set an unachievable standard of what a man, a husband and father should be.  I’m a daughter who is so very proud to have the father she has.  My father worked himself to death to provide the very best for his girls and he succeeded in every aspect.  It is because of my father that I return to my faith every time I stray.  I’ve inherited my father’s impatience and stubbornness.  I’ve also inherited my sense of humor from him and my ability to take a moment to stop and smell the roses.  He laughs at things out of the blue.  I do the same.  He could not be a better father.

My mother.  Momma.  My mother is the epitome of love.  That woman married a man who is more impatient than I am and to this day she loves the hell out of him.  My mother is what I strive to be as a woman and a Catholic.  Forever I thought my dad was the uber Catholic of the family.  As I’ve grown and learned to take notice. I’ve realized that my mother’s faith is just as strong an unshakable as my father’s.  I think that those who convert can have a stronger faith because it’s the faith that they choose, whereas those of us, like my sisters and father who were born into that can have wavering moments.  My mother has taught me that there are gray areas in life.  She’s taught me how to sit back, take everything in and then think about what to do. She taught me to measure twice and cut once.  My mother has taught me everything my dad, as a man could not.  They are so perfectly balanced that their influence has shaped who I am.

On to the sisty uglers, as my handsome daddy used to call them.  Lee.  I used to call her Lee Lee.  We would gang up on Teresa.  Lee is 10 years older than me.  She is one of the most impressive women you could ever meet.  She is as someone once put it, captivating.  I think she’s pretty amazing myself.  Talk about someone that has her stuff together.  She’s my example and loves her sisters with a fierceness that could shake a mountain.  It’s a love I’ve taken for granted. Lee did everything right.  Lee graduated from college, got a great job, got married and had two amazing sons who I am very proud of.  I thought I would do the same, but I’m not Lee.  I used to think everything came easily for her.  Now I know how foolish I was to think that.  I’m so very proud of my oldest sister and I hope to be a better one to her.

Teresa, my little big sister.  Teresa is the pretty one.  She’s 5 foot nothing and thin as can be with beautiful blue eyes.  But she’s so much more than that and her beauty can keep people from seeing her for the wonderful woman she is.  Teresa has not had the easiest of roads but that’s her story to tell, not mine.  Teresa has two great kids as well.  A son and a daughter.  Teresa and Lee are both momma bears.  They are both such wonderful mothers.  Teresa is one of the funniest people she knows.  Ha!  She also loves her sisters with the same fierceness as Lee. Teresa is just…well, Teresa.  She’s become quite an example for me as well.  I’ve had two very strong sisters that have shown me what to do and what not to do.

Lately I’ve not been the best sister to them.  I chose a man over them.  A mistake I will never let happen again.  Men come and go but sisters.  Sisters are special.  My sisters have a bond with each other that I can’t come close to having with them.  I’m ok with this.  They are exactly two years apart to the day.  They share a connection that I don’t share with them.  When all three of us are together I tend to fall into the background.  It’s a place I’ve become comfortable with.  I’ve learned that I cannot let myself get angry, hurt or resentful of their relationship.  None of us have the same relationship.  Lee is the one I would go to with questions over work.  Teresa is who I would go to for life questions.  I love my sisters both equally and I have to spend the time now to grow the relationships with them that I want.

There is so much that I have to do to become the person I’m meant to be.  So much.  But the past two days have given me such hope for my future.  I’ve decided that I’m going to be happy.  I choose happiness.  I’m going to have a smile on my face every day.  Not because it’s a mask but because, what is there to not smile about?

 

 

I just got the most amazing news ever!!!!!  Life could not be better and I could not be any happier!!!!!  Yes I’m being vague.  No I don’t car.  🙂

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