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So my birthday is Saturday and I got my first birthday present today.  You’ll never guess who it was from and what it is.  Brian got me a book.  But not just any book.  It’s called Captivating: Unveiling the Mystery of a Woman’s Soul.  My very first thought was “Are you serious? A self-help book?”  I’m not gonna lie, it pissed me off at first.  It’s still pretty damn irritating.  At the same time it was very sweet of him to think of me and to get me something but this?  What do you do when someone gets you a present you don’t like or want?  What do you do when your ex-fiancé gives you a present you don’t like or want?  I’ll tell ya what this girl did.  This girl called him up and left a voice message asking him what on God’s green earth made him think I would want that book.  I’m not proud of it.  It was a present after all.  I did tell him it was very sweet of him to think of me and that I appreciated the thought.  But the hurt that came with that made me be rude.  Apparently the men’s version of the book spoke to him.  Good for him.  He’s the one that needs the self-help book, not me. 

Everything that book could possibly tell me I already know.  Either I’ve have friends and family tell it all to me before it’s something I’ve always know.  I know what I deserve and that I’m a woman capable of and worthy of love.  I know this despite all of the jerks I’ve known and dated.  It’s the very reason I finally said things between us were done.  He could not give me what I wanted or needed and I was tired of hoping he would. 

Here’s the thing.  Maggie’s gonna be really honest here.  I knew he had gotten me something because he sent me a text telling me he had.  I’m a girl and I like presents which is why I didn’t tell him to return it.  There was this small little part of me that held out hope that Brian had realized what a complete IDIOT is was in letting me leave and that he was finally starting to act like a man in love.  I hoped the smallest of hopes that this was Brian finally starting to do right by me.  Again I feel the need to say that I really do appreciate the thought.  It was a very sweet and brave thing for him to do.  BUT…  I don’t know what I expected.  Part of me knew it’d be a book.  I just didn’t think it would be a self-help book.  Some book telling me that God loves me and that I’m worthy and deserving of love.  I know all of that.  I know that I’m going to meet a man who loves me and treats me like I deserve.  I thought I had that at one point with Brian.  I’m sure his thought when buying that was that he really got something out of the guy’s version of the book and that maybe I would too and that he wanted to share that feeling.  But he’s a man and didn’t think how I would react to getting that.

My biggest questions are why and what?  Why get me anything.  Why continue to try to keep communication with me open?  What does he want?  What does he expect me to do?  He had me for almost four years and at the end did not know if he was in love with me even after asking me to marry him.  So what is it now?  Has he realized the mistake he made?  Has he realized that he is in love with me?  Has he realized that he’s lost me and that scares the shit out of him?  Then I want to know why I even care.  Ya know he doesn’t get to know how I’m doing or how I’m feeling.  He lost the ability to know those things the minute he said “I don’t know” when I asked him if he was in love with me.  So what is all of this about?

Here’s the thing.  I’m moving on.  I’ve been on a few really great dates.  I’ve met a guy who is really nice, funny and cute.  I don’t really think the thing with him is going anywhere but ya know what. He took me out on a real date.  He made me feel like I was the center of his attention.  He made me realize again that I do deserve to be the center of someone’s attention.  The fact is… The fact is I miss him much.  I can’t believe I actually typed that and am leaving it in.  I don’t miss all of him.  I miss the way he was when he was actually happy.  I miss his goofy ass smile and the stupid nick names he would give me.  I miss his touch and his kiss.  I miss his laughter when he thinks something is very funny.  It’s different than the regular laugh that he gives to most things.  It’s an honest laugh that hits him in his toes.  I miss how he would come up behind me and rub my back.  I miss how he would make me laugh until I almost wet my pants. 

I don’t miss A LOT.  I don’t miss him drinking until he blacked out.  I don’t miss his resentment of the things I was good at.  I don’t like that he couldn’t stand for me to be funnier than him.  But I do miss the good Brian. 

I’m ready to be content with myself.  I’m happy most of the time.  I love my life.  I have everything in the world to be thankful for and I am thankful.  I worry what all of this means.  I worry that I’m gonna fall right back into the trap.  I’m worried that I could let him back in.  How do I explain that to my parents?  Mom, Dad, remember the jackass who broke my heart twice?  Yeah, I’m back with him.  Let’s just daydream a little here.  How do I even begin to spend the rest of my life with someone who my family hates?  My hope, if I fall into it again, is that he really does change himself and that he pulls a complete 180 and makes it up to my family.  I can’t spend the rest of my life being on edge when I’m around my family.  I won’t.  I know that God has a plan for me.  I feel that I’m on the path that is most pleasing to Him.  I just hope and pray that God will give me the grace to deal with whatever is in that path.  I know He will. 

On a happier note, one that I chose to focus on, MY BIRTHDAY IS SATURDAY and I can’t wait to get back home to Memphis to spend it with my best friends.  All three of them!  That’s right.  Molly is coming to Memphis with me and we are staying at Biff’s and I’ll get to see my Lindsay.  LIFE….is grand and at this very moment I could not be happier.  God truly blessed me with three of the best friends a girl could ask for and several other friends who have a big old campground in my heart as well.  Can I really ask for much more?  I didn’t think so. 

Look out Memphis, Maggie is turning 32!

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