So I figured it was time to let other live from my mistakes.  First let me give ya the run-down of what’s happened.  I tried desperately to make my relationship with Brian work.  See he’s pretty depressed.  Why?  I have no idea.  He has a job, a family that loves him, a car to get around in (even if it is a POS) and he had a woman willing to help him through it all and love him like no other ever will.  He was saying all of the right things….until last night.  I asked him if he loved me.  The answer was yes.  I asked him if he was IN love with me.  And the answer was I don’t know.  EEEERRRRRRRRR WRONG ANSWER!!!  So, after talking for a bit I did what I knew I had to do.  I didn’t want to do it but I stood up looked him dead in the eye and told him exactly what he was losing.  I told him how I was the BEST thing that was ever going to happen to him.  I told him that he would never find a woman who was more perfect for him.  Then I told him that if he was lucky he would meet a girl who is one ounce of the woman I am and that he needed to do right by her and treat her well because one ounce of the woman I am is all he can ever hope to get now.  Then I gave him a BIG ol kiss, turned around and walked out the door.  GO ME!!!  I AM AWESOME!!! A movie couldn’t have done it better!

Now, that being said let me tell you what I have learned from my relationship with Mr. Brian.

1)      NEVER change who you are to fit someone else’s mold.  Don’t get me wrong, I don’t think he tried to change me.  I changed myself for him.  I put up with things the old Maggie never would have put up with. I was good enough for him to date and ask to marry but that Maggie was trying to be who I thought he needed.  He kept asking where the old Maggie went.  The old Maggie got lost in trying to make him happy.  Which brings me to my next lesson.

2)      NEVER give away your own happiness trying to make a man happy.  I was so consumed with making sure he was ok that I lost my own happiness.  I got tied up in his depression and his unhappiness.  DON’T DO THIS!  See that’s where I lost Maggie.  My happiness began to depend on his.  I was so concerned with him that I stopped doing the things that made ME happy.  That’s no way to live. 

3)      A liar is a liar is a liar!  Once a man lies to you he will never stop.  I don’t care who he is.  If a man lies to you, he doesn’t love you.

4)      Once a cheater, always a cheater.  Now I don’t mean that a man can’t change and can’t stick with one woman after he cheats.  But if that man cheats on you, he’ll do it again, There is something wrong with that relationship and you need to get out.  Let him be loyal and faithful to someone else, cause it ain’t gonna be you!

5)      If a man loves you.  And I mean really loves you, you won’t question if he does or not.  That’s the big one that I’ve just learned.  See, I found myself constantly telling him that I didn’t feel important.  That I didn’t feel like I was a part of his life.  He had all of this time to text and talk to his friends but never time for me. I told him over and over again that I needed to be a priority and he would just tell me he would try harder.  Here’s the thing.  Brian did me wrong.  Very wrong.  He asked me to marry him then talked to someone else inappropriately.  He said he stopped then did it again.  Then he left ME!  I didn’t kick him out like I should have.  Then he tells me that he does love me and wants to be with me and marry me he just needs to figure himself out.  So I go along with it because I was SOOOOOO in love with him.  (Still am but I’ll get to that later).  But here is where it started to click for me.  I was the one acting like I’d done him wrong and was trying to get him back. I was including him in my life and never could let go.  I wanted so badly for him to make some grand gesture.  Hell I even showed him the new engagement ring I wanted and he said he liked it a lot and looking at it didn’t freak him out.  So why then did he make no steps towards having that life with me?  The answer is he was not in love with me.  The thing is, he should have been the one calling, texting and making plans.  Not me!  If you find yourself questioning the love your man has for you, odds are, he is too. 

6)      Don’t hang on and let yourself get strung along on the HOPE that it will all work out. If he is not paying you the attention that you deserve.  If he is not making an effort.  If he is not beating down your door trying to prove his love, then he does not love you and you need to put your big girl panties on and tell him to get lost. He is not worth your time.  Don’t waste your time trying to make a man love you when he doesn’t. 

7)      Men are really very simple creatures.  Hard to believe but they are.  Men want to feel needed.  Men want sex and men want to be made to feel important.  If you can make him feel needed, loved and important then you are doing your job and if he loves you he’ll be happy and love you back even harder.  Its women who confuse everything by over analyzing things and trying to figure out “What did he mean by that?”  He means exactly what he said, no more, no less.  If he says you look nice, he means you look nice. If you ask him what’s wrong and he says nothing, LET IT GO.  He means nothing is wrong.  Sure maybe he had a bad day and is brooding a little but unlike women men don’t need to talk it out.  They deal with it and move on. Don’t spend all day trying to pry out of him what’s wrong cause all you’ll succeed in doing is pissing him off. 

8)      Men get over things pretty damn quickly.  Ever notice how men can get in a fight with a friend and move on in like 5 minutes? Yeah, I don’t know how they do that either but they do.  It’s a fact of life, accept it and move on. 

9)      Take notice of the small things they do for you.  I spent a lot of time wanting Brian to make some grand gesture and overlooked all of the small things he did.  I’m starting to realize that while I am in no way responsible for his behavior and actions I can take credit for some things that went wrong in our relationship.  (Side note, gotta love my stream of conscious going on here.  I start out typing out things not to do and how to tell if the relationship has gone bad and I end up on things to do to keep it going and real.  Ha.  Little too late for that for me, but these are things that I’ve learned and will take with me to my next relationship.

10)  Ladies…this is gonna suck to hear but it came from my momma’s mouth so it has to be true.  You have to have your heart broken AT LEAST three times before you find the man you will marry.  I know I know I know.  Calm down.  It’s gonna be ok.  Let me explain. It doesn’t necessarily have to be three full on heart breaks and there are some women who this luckily does not apply to but I don’t like those women…they’re the “pretty people” who get shit for free while hard-working gals like myself have to pay their own way.  Sometimes you go through enough heartbreak that it can equal three full breaks. I thought that was me.  I’ve been through and dealt with a lot.  I had only had my heart broken really once before Brian.  He managed to break my heart twice.  I’ll survive…I’m well on my way now but DAMN does it suck.  In the event that two heart breaks can’t come from one man, then I’ve had enough to make up one heartbreak so I’m on three.  YA!  Now, I’m sure you’re asking “But Maggie why do I have to have my heart broken three times?” Well, because.  That’s why.  See the first heartbreak is so gut wrenching and horrible.  It’s never happened before and you never want to feel that way again.  So you do #s 1 and 2.  You try to change for a guy so that you don’t get your heart broken.  You give up your own happiness because you think if he’s happy, he’ll love you and you’ll be happy.  But that doesn’t work so there’s heartbreak #2.  Damn it!  So why #3?  Number three is to teach you to listen to yourself and to recognize when your creek is turning to shit and your paddles suddenly feel a lot more lose than they did at the beginning of the boat ride.  That’s where I am now.  I’m sitting in my canoe, watching the water turn brown and my paddles slowly drift out of my reach.  But the good news is I see a cooler full of beer on the shore and it’s just waiting for me to wade through the shit to relax and enjoy a nice cold beer on the side of the river. 

So…I’m in the middle of Shit Creek and the beer is waiting for me.  I’ve had my three and according to my momma the next man who is lucky to be with me will be the ever elusive “The One.”  Now I’m sure that the 3 heartbreak rule is not written in stone but it’d be nice if it was.  I have a hard time not feeling sorry for myself.  I’m a month and a half from being 32.  I have no man and thankfully no kids right now.  I’m not exactly where I thought I’d be at 31.  I figured I’d be married with a few kids and worried about how I was going to pay for a car for the kids in a few years.  I do have a few things I wanted.  I have a great job, a nice car and a cute little house that’s all mine. 

I’ve been doing a lot of thinking about why this has happened.  Why did God bring Brian into my life?  What am I supposed to learn from this experience?  I think I know the answer.  I needed to learn what is OK to put up with and what is not.  I needed to see that who I was for the end of our relationship is not who I want to be.  Is not who I really am.  I needed to be reminded that I’m worthy of someone loving me the way I want and deserve to be loved.  I think the reason I never ended things was because I was scared he was as good as I was going to get.  THAT IS SO WRONG.  To be honest, I am the best he was ever going to get.  He knows it and I know it.  I didn’t deserve to be treated the way I was but I’ll own up to my own part of that.  I shouldn’t have let it go on.  I should have been woman enough to recognize that he didn’t love me and that I deserved better.  I contributed to him wasting my time and in turn I wasted his.  Had I let the break been clean, he’d be on his way to finding himself and pulling himself out of his depression and I’d be further along in my journey to get back to me.

I do have to thank Brian.  Without him I would not have learned so much about myself. I’d love to hate him.  I really would.  But the fact is, I can’t.  I’ve learned so much about myself because of Brian.  He’s made me a stronger person.  He’s made me fight to get back to who I am.  My thoughts can summed up in a song by one Christina Aguilera.  LOL  I really don’t care for her all that much.  Had to dig way down deep in the iPod for this one.

I don’t really know what the future holds for me.  That’s the scary part.  I waited so long for Brian and I thought he was it.  It’s scary to think how long I’ll have to wait for the next guy.  And I’ll be honest with you and with myself.  Part of me still wants Brian to get his shit together and do all the things a girl wants a guy trying to win her does.  But I know that’s not going to happen anytime soon if ever.  So the good news is that a better version of the old Maggie is here.   I’ve decided to take this next year, beginning today, Dec 16, 2011 and make this the Year of Maggie.  I’m going to do everything I want to do. I’m going to get myself healthy.  I’m going to sell Namaw’s rings and take myself on the trip she told me to take. I’m going to do everything for me and really learn to love myself and make myself happy.  Then, if some guy wants to come along, well I’ll welcome the experience.  I’ll take everything I’ve learned and everything I will learn and I’ll be happy damn it!

So here’s to 2012 and the YEAR OF MAGGIE!

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