WHOA!  So I’ve disappeared for a while, but I’m back.  LEt me give you a quick little run down of what has been going on since my last check in.  I GOT MONO!  HOw the hell does a 31 year old woman come down with mono?  No, I had not been running around kissing everyone I came into contact with nor did I eat and drink after anyone.  There is no telling how I got it but boy did I get it. I was sick as a dog and home from work for 3 weeks.  I’m much better now thank you very much.  Other than that I have no excuse for why I abandoned my blogging.  But I’m back and ready to continue on this crazy journey of finding myself.  Where to begin…

Well I have officially started my training for Tough Mudder….today…finally….I hope I can keep doing this.  The plan is to do that stupid couch to 5k thing that it seems like everyone is doing.  I managed to get off of my rather large rump this afternoon and hit the streets.  I did it.  Day one of week one completed and I want to cut off my own legs because of how badly they hurt. Here’s the thing.  For about a year I was going to a boot camp class three times a week.  Well I’ll be honest it was more like twice a week and there were spurts of consecutive weeks.  ANYWAY, I was going and was in the best shape I had been in for a very long time.  I felt great and I could do all kinds of things without getting tired or winded.  Then the fit hit the shan.  My grandmother died, Brian left and I GOT MONO!  So I’ve finally decided to get in shape and be the healthiest Maggie I can be.  Enter Tough Mudder.  Why do I want to do this?  Because I WANT TO BE A BADASS.  And I’m gonna be.  🙂  So I had to start somewhere and C25k it is. 

Back today and my out of shape self.  I knew I had been pretty inactive for a a few months and I knew I wouldn’t be able t breeze through this whole running thing but DANG I didn’t know I’d want to crawl into the ditch on the side of the road and lay in the cool water flowing behind the houses. I didn’t.  Swarley stopped me.  Swarley is my dog.  He’s the best little pup every.  Just when my legs cramped up and I started staring longingly at the ditch Swarely BOLTED and took me with him.  I managed to make it home and cook myself a yummy low cal dinner.  SO GOOD.  Seriously yummy.  I ate and sat down on the couch and remembered this….my bloggy blog. 

Let’s see.  What else has happened.  OOOOH I know.  My wedding dress got delivered to my parents.  Yup.  The beautiful dress that I was looking forward to wearing while I married Brian was delivered to my mom and dads.  Mom is awesome and just left it in the box it came in and put it in the back of a closet, cause ya know, I’ll need it one day right?  Right!  That hit me pretty hard and was tough to deal with, but I think I’m doing alright with it.  The thing is, I’m trying not to focus on the things that I don’t have.  You know, a fiance and a wedding to plan.  I’m focusing on what I want and the things that I need to do to get to where I want to be.  Like training for Tough Mudder.  🙂

So I will say this.  Brian and I are talking.  He has made some big ol’ changes and it has made all the difference in the world.  He is working through all of the “stuff” he needs to work through and is doing his best to be happy and find himself.  I’m proud of him.  There is still hope for us.  It’s a very thin line of being silly and following my heart and making myself listen to my head.  It’s a slow process but it’s all part of finding me. I can’t say that I don’t love him.  The thing is, I no longer love the Brian that was living in my house until June.  I do however, find myself falling in love with this new Brian.  You’d think that after 3 1/2 years you would know a person inside and out.  I didn’t and I still don’t.  I know that this Brian I am getting to know is as different from the old Brian as he is similar and that gives me hope.  I’m just listening to my heart and keeping in mind what my head says.  Turns out, I’m a pretty smart gal at times.  I know there are a lot of people who would tell me to run as fast as I can from Mr. Goodman.  The thing is, in the past I was one of those people.  Even when I thought we were happy there were times that if I had a friend that was dealing with the things I was dealing with I’d have told her to RUN BITCH RUN AS FAST AS YOU CAN AND DON’T LOOK BACK! I’ve thought about my situation with B now and asked myself many many times what Maggie the friend would say to this Maggie and the thing is, I’d tel her to do what is going to make her happy.  I’ve made some pretty big changes in my life and am starting to be a good blend of the old and new Maggie and this Brian seems like he could make me happier.  I know now that I don’t need him to make me happy.  I’m happy without Brian. I need a man who will make an already happy Maggie happier and I think this new Brian may be that man.  Only time will tell and I’ve got my eyes WIDE open.

I feel like I am finally well on my way to “finding myself”….yes I used finger/air quotes with this.  🙂 

Now for your viewing pleasure…CAPTAIN SWARLEY!

Advertisements