So let me give you all the background story.  Brian and I began dating January 18, 2008.  He was everything I wanted.  We dated for a year and a half and broke up in June of 2009.  After a week he came back and I let him.  On September 6, 2009 Brian took me to a Sister Hazel concert at Lake Martin.  At the very end of the concert, during the last song, Brian asked me to marry him.  I said yes. 

We were happy for about 2 months.  You see I’m Catholic and Brian had been married before.  In order for Brian and I to marry he had to get his first marriage annulled.  This is when things started going downhill.  He had to relive all of the bad decisions he had made and had to relive things he was not proud of.  This caused Brian to slip into a depression.  This depression is what killed us.

I won’t bore you with all of the problems we had.  I’ll just skip ahead to June 30, 2011.  I came home from work and made what I thought was a pretty yummy dinner.  It was ready when Brian came home and we ate  After dinner we were watching TV.  Brian looked upset and I asked him what was wrong.  He said he wasn’t feeling well.  I did my best to cheer him up and that is when he turned off the TV.  I got up and sat next to him on the couch and he gave me the biggest hug I can remember him giving me.  Then he sat back and said he wasn’t happy.  He said he was moving out.  I asked when and was told “tomorrow.”  My entire world was turned upside down.  All this time he had been telling me he was unhappy but that it wasn’t me.  I was one of the few things that made him happy so you can imagine how I felt when he said he was leaving.  That night he began to pack and I, like a fool, begged him to stay.  I’ve never cried as hard as I did that night.  Well until the next day.  I begged and begged and we slept in the same bed that night.  He held me as I cried.  The next morning he got up, dressed and left for work.  I packed and went home to my parents house.  Once at my parents I told my Mom EVERYTHING that happened in our three years.  I told her so that I would not take him back. 

When I came home his things were gone.  That’s when I really cratered.  Luckily my friends Molly and Dennis came over.  They gave me the support and love I needed.  After they left I felt so alone.  I talked to Brian Tuesday and Wednesday night and wrote him a letter.  When talking to Brian I told him everything I wanted.  It made me feel a little better.

I made it back to work on Thursday and had an OK day.  It was on Friday that he asked me to go to dinner.  I told him I would go even though everyone told me not to.  He picked me up at 6:15 and took me to an Italian restaurant that I love.  It was so strange being in the car with him.  I couldn’t really look at him.  It hurt too much.  He made small talk and told me about his time with his son at his parents.  It really hurt to hear about his son.  I love that little boy.  We had a bit of a wait at the restaurant.  More small talk happened.  Then I told him that I was thinking of moving.  He turned a little pale and it seemed that the thought of ME leaving really upset him.  Then he told me he wasn’t a fan of me moving.  I told him that I had hadn’t been a fan of his recent decisions either and that the move was not about him.  It was about me.  It was about FINDING me. 

We had dinner and there was more talking.  After dinner I couldn’t help my self and I asked him to come to the house to hang out.  He did.  There was a lot more talking there.  We talked about things that we should have talked about six months ago.  He told me that he was really going to work on himself and take steps to change things in his life that needed changing.  While we were outside so that I could smoke the cigarettes that I gave up for him a few years ago we kissed.  In the entire time I was with him I had never felt what I felt in that kiss.  I knocked me on my ass and left me breathless and unable to stand.  It went entirely through me and I felt it for at least 30 minutes afterwards.  I told him that…I told him that I had never felt that feeling in my entire life and it was a feeling I had been waiting for that same amount of time.  That feeling really scared me.  I thought I had been in love with him all of that time.  I had been, but not at that heart stopping, gut dropping level.  I told him that I was terrified of never feeling that again and I didn’t want to go without it now having felt it.  He said he felt it too.  I asked him to stay with me that night and he did.  Everyone may say it was a mistake but to me it wasn’t.  He left the next morning and I went to Montgomery to see family. 

I woke up this morning and didn’t go to church.  I NEEDED to go to church.  If nothing else this has brought me back to my faith and I’m thankful for that.  Around 11:20 Brian called and asked me to meet him and his son for lunch.  I knew it wasn’t a good idea but I had not been able to tell his son goodbye so I went.  I should have stayed home.  Seeing his son nearly brought me to my knees.  We had an uncomfortable lunch and on the way home I called Brian.  I told him that he was the one who left me.  He told me several times Friday and today that he loved me. “Then WHY did you leave me?” I asked.  No answer.  I told him that he had to leave me alone.  It was the hardest thing I’ve ever had to say because the truth is, I don’t want him to.  I told him that he left me for a reason and if he wanted to change things in himself then he had to leave me alone.  He couldn’t have it both ways.  I’m either in his life completely or not at all.  He said he wanted to change and I believe him.  He said he was going to do the things he needed to so that I could be in his life. 

Here is my fear.  I’m scared that the one true and real love of my life is gone forever.  I’m scared that he cannot change the things about him that he needs to change for HIM to be happy.  If he can’t be happy then I can’t be happy with him.  The 30th proved that.  I’m scared…

I have learned some things.  I’ve learned how to be in an adult relationship. I’ve learned how to really treat a man.  I’ve also learned that my happiness cannot depend on someone else or their happiness.  I gave that man everything.  I spent so much time trying to make him happy that I lost sight of my happiness and I lost sight of who I was.  I don’t like who I am right now.  I put up with so many things that the Maggie of three years ago would NEVER have put up with.  I spent all of my energy trying to make him happy and forgot my own happiness. 

So here I am, a week later.  Unhappy, hurting and heartbroken.  I know that I will be happy again but that time seems so far away.  I want so desperately to be happy with him, but I know that I cannot wait around for that.  I can’t continue to put my happiness on hold for him any longer.  I have to move on with my life.  Some friends of mine from back home are coming down at the end of the month.  I love those girls.  I’ve told them that my goal is to kiss someone the night we go out.  It’s been over three years since I’ve even thought about kissing another man.  The one thing that I am sure of is that I have to kiss someone.  It doesn’t have to be that night but it has to happen.  The thing is, I have to be sure about Brian.  I have to be sure that what I felt Friday night was real and not just the longing for him.  The thought of kissing someone other than Brian makes me sick to my stomach but I HAVE TO.  I can’t and won’t put my life on hold anymore. 

So, that was basically the run down of the story of us.  The purpose of this blog is to help me find my way back to me. I miss me. I used to be a very strong, confident and independent woman.  I want to get back to that Maggie.  That Maggie was FUN.  She knew who she was and she LIKED herself.  I want to like myself again. 

The hard part of all of this is going to be putting my love for Brian aside and focusing on my love for myself.  I’m hopeful for my future.  I won’t lie and say that it won’t involve him because right now I want him to be in my future.  I want him to become the man HE wants to be.  That Brian will be a great Brian.  If he can find that Brian then there will be a hope for us.  I have that hope.  I pray for that.  Even after all of the hurt I pray for that, because I know it wasn’t me.  He knows it wasn’t me.  I think we both needed this.  We both lost who we were as individuals and we both need to find those people again.  We fell in love with those people.  My Aunt Connie said it best.  She is praying for God’s will for the two of us.  I know that I am a good person and I am deserving of love.  I deserve a man who is going to love me so much I can feel it.  He is going to love me so much that he doesn’t have to say it but he will anyway.  I want Brian to be that man but only time will tell if he is. 

Back tracking a little bit here.  I told Brian at dinner Friday night that he had a lot to do if he wanted to get me back.  I told him I want flowers sent to my office and not just once.  I want people to be pissed for me that he sent me flowers and then I want him to send so many that they think “Man, he is really trying to win you back.”  I told him I needed to be wooed.  (Love that word…I just like saying it.  Woo.  Wooed, Wooing.)  I told him he would need to love me so much and show that love so much that my family would see it and know that he was making me happy. Then maybe they would hate him less.  My family would be pissed if they knew I was holding out hope for him.  He hurt me so badly and they don’t want me to ever feel that hurt again.  I have to believe that if it is God’s will for us to be together that they will see it and be OK with it.  It’s going to take a lot of work on his part and mine but I pray that God’s will and mine are the same.

So here my journey begins.  Finding my way back to me.  Finding my way back to the Maggie I once was and the Maggie I will be again.

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