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So I’ve been doing a lot of thinking lately about the kind of man I want.  I know this is supposed to be about finding myself but realizing what you want is a part of finding yourself.  So, what kind of man do I want?  What characteristics do I find desirable?  Well, a good sense of humor is a must.  I need someone who can make me laugh when it’s the last thing I feel like doing.  I like a dry sense of humor.  I love people who randomly say something with no intent to be funny and what they say is so unintentionally funny that everyone stops for a second and then starts laughing.  I wish I was that kind of funny.  So yeah, a sense of humor is needed.  I LOVE to laugh. 

What else do I want?  Kindness.  I want someone who is kind and caring.  Someone who really cares about others.  A man who will give until they can’t give anymore and then will give just a little bit more.  That kind of kindness and caring can so easily be taken advantage of so a strong will is a must as well.  I need a man who knows when to say enough is enough. 

I need someone who can pull me back in when I get a little out of control of upset or loud.  I can be all three.  But here’s the thing. I HATE being told to calm down.  I hate being made to feel like I’m a child.  I need a man who can pull me to the side and say “Maggie, take a breath and think for a minute.”  As much as I hate to say it I need a man who can call me on my shit, because I’ve got a lot of it.  But he needs to be nice about it.  I’ve got a fragile ego, especially right now. 

I WANT A MAN WHO SENDS FLOWERS ON VALENTINE’S DAY!  Seriously.  I never thought I was a send me flowers kind of girl but I’ve found out I am.  I always thought it was cheesy but its nice to be thought of.  It doesn’t have to be Valentine’s Day.  Well, yes it does, but not ONLY that day.  I don’t have to get a dozen roses.  I don’t really care for roses.  They’re over done and cliché.  I like daisies.  I like common little pretty flowers.  I LOVE magnolias.  Love love love.  But here is the thing.  Flowers die.  Don’t get me wrong, I still want them, but they die.  A friend of mine, I hope she doesn’t mind me sharing her story, told me how her husband said he was going to send her flowers and she told him not to because they die.  If he wanted to do something nice and it had to be flowers, then he could buy her flowers for her flowerbed.  That way she could really enjoy them.  What a GREAT thought.  She told me it wasn’t long after that she came home and there were new flowers planted in the beds. Awwwww….  Little surprises like that sound nice.  I’m really not a materialistic girl.  I don’t need expensive gifts or even jewelry.  I never wear jewelry.  The only thing I ever really wore was my engagement ring.  Funny how I really miss it.  What I do ned is a man who will show me he loves me by thinking of me and as much as its cliché to say it, flowers can do that.  I want little surprises here and there.  A note in my purse or wallet every once in a while would be nice. 

I also want a man who does things and doesn’t just talk about doing things.  I’m not one to really bring up stuff like trips but I have in the past.  It always seemed like whenever a trip would be brought up it sounded like a good idea but never happened.  OOOhhhhh that would be good.  Here is what I’d REALLY like.  I’d like to come home from work one Friday to find my man standing there with bags packed and tell me that he’s dropped the dog off at the vets and that we are going out-of-town.  We wouldn’t have to go anywhere great and wonderful just somewhere that the two of us could have some fun and enjoy each other.  Yeah.  That’d be nice.  Not so much the trip, that’d be fun but what is really nice about that is the thought that would have to have been put into it.  It wouldn’t even have to be  a trip.  Hell I’d take coming home from work to find a note that told me to get ready and that I was being taken out to dinner and he would be there in an hour and a half (cause that’s how much time I’d need) to pick me up. 

I just want a man who will think of me.  I’ve spent so much time thinking about someone else that the thought of someone thinking about me is so foreign.  I have to admit that it was really nice when I went to dinner with Brian Friday night.  He had thought of me. 

I want a man who is going to be proud of me.  I want a man who is going to love me so much its visible to other people.  I want other women to be jealous of how much my man loves me.  I want them to punch their husbands in the arm and say “Why don’t you do that?”  I do know that it can’t all be about me.  I have so much love to give some lucky man.  Some man is going to be lucky to have me.

So what about physical traits.  I’ve always been partial to dark headed men and I love brown eyes.  There is just something soulful about brown eyes.  They can look right into you.  Brown eyes seem to be so expressive.  There is nothing quite like losing yourself in a pair of deep brown eyes.  No golden Adonis for me, thank you.  Give me tall, dark and handsome. 

I’ve never really liked skinny guys.  I guess that comes from not being a skinny girl.  I like myself how I am.  I’d like myself a little healthier but I’m working on that.  The thing is, I’m never going to be a skinny girl.  I’m not built that way and that’s ok.  So I can’t have a skinny guy.  I like a guy with a little bit of meat on him with some muscle thrown in.  I totally need a guy that’s taller than I am.  I don’t want no short, short man.

I want someone who is going to make me better with him.  I want a man who has a good relationship with God.  I want a man who is going to help me strengthen my relationship with God.  The man is supposed to be the spiritual leader of the family you know. 

I want a man who can be my best friend and will let me be his.  I want a man I can talk to and who can talk to me.  You have to be able to talk to each other.  I’ve found out how important that is.  One thing I’ve learned is how to keep my cool and talk like an adult.  I’m grateful for that. 

So, what do I want in a man.  I want a friend.  I want a funny, nice, thoughtful, loving god fearing, good man.

 

People keep telling me that I need to find something to occupy my time.  That I should find a new hobby.  Well this is all about me, finding me and making me who I want to be inside and out.  SOOOOO Maggie is going to sign up for the Tough Mudder competition!  What’s that you ask?  Oh it’s a fun run course on CRACK!  Yes that’s right, 10 to 12 miles of mud, ice-cold water, fire walking and electric shocking!  I have officially lost my mind!  Here’s the link, check it out and sign up!

http://toughmudder.com/

Yes that’s right, I’m gonna find out just how tough this chick Maggie is.  I’m signing up for the Nashville event which is the last on the list for next year.  I figure I need A LOT of time to get myself in shape for this mother.  I can do it.  I know I can.  🙂  This has been playing in my head ever since I saw the webpage….

Yeah!  I’m a bad mamma jamma!

So as you can probably tell I’m having a better day today.  It’s amazing what lack of sleep can do for a girl.  I was up so late geeking out of this tough mudder stuff. I did NOT want to go to work today but I’m glad I did.  I had a good day at work.  My dad used to tell me that you have to be happy at work because you spend most of your life at work.  If you can’t be happy there you need to change something.  It amazes me how right my daddy is at times.  I’m really thankful for my job. I really like it and I’m good at it.  It’s funny how after all of this went down work was the last place I wanted to be.  I’m glad I made my butt get out of bed and go back. 

So where am I today on finding me?  Well, I’m not too sure.  Lord knows I miss Brian but today was a good day.  I’ve been in a good mood for most of it.  I haven’t talked to him today and I guess that’s a good thing.  We really need this distance for both of us to work on ourselves.  It doesn’t make it easier but what can a girl do?  I find myself Facebook stalking him.  I feel like that is the equivalent of when my friends I and would drive past a guy’s house in high school.  LORD we were so dumb.  The rule was if it was a guy YOU liked you couldn’t take your car.  You had to take your friends.  Then right as you get up to the house you scoot down in the seat so they can’t see you.  Like we were fooling anyone.  My favorite was the time I just HAD to drive by his house and my friend Lindsay was in the car with me.  I was driving and like a fool I ducked down WHILE DRIVING so that he couldn’t see it was me.  As if someone else in the town was driving a white Mitsubishi Mirage with Beatles stickers all over it.  I never have been accused of being a mental giant.  I feel like I’m doing that now.  I can’t bring myself to delete him as a friend. I probably won’t.  Who am I kidding, I know I won’t.  So there it is.  All day.  On my phone.  Stalking him.  Wondering where he is and what he’s doing.  I need help. 

I need to send him to the island of ex-boyfriends.  What is that you ask?  I’ll tell you.  The island of ex-boyfriends is a magical place where I send all of my ex-boyfriends.  Like you couldn’t figure that out.   Anyway, what makes this place so lovely is that it is a small little island in the middle of the ocean.  It has one palm tree and nothing else.  It is surrounded by sharks and there is a life raft about 200 yards off of the shore.  I had to give them a chance to escape!  Some girls just think of the ex-boyfriends as having died.  Not me.  I want them on that island knowing that escape is just over Jaws and his friends. 

But where do you put ex-fiances?  This is a new one on me.  Where do you put ex-fiances that you are still in love with?  Hmmm…. I don’t want him dead and I don’t want him maimed by sharks.  The simple truth is that he is still in my heart and that is where I want him.  I don’t want bad things to happen to Brian.  I love him enough to want him to be happy.  The last time we broke up I was pretty OK because I knew things weren’t over.  I have that same feeling.  We aren’t done yet.  I may be wrong about that, but hey, everyone has to be wrong once in their life right?

There I went…stalking again. It’s hard to just cut someone out of your life.  Especially someone you are in love with.  He’s training for a half marathon in September.  I’m proud of him.  He’s out there running in this heat.  I just hope he’s working on his internal self as well as his outward self.  He really is a great guy, he just can’t see it.  How do you set yourself back and watch people make mistakes? I was forced to but it’s still hard because we still kind of talk.  It’s wrong I know.  It was just yesterday I told him to leave me alone.  He’s doing a great job of that.  Me, not so much.  I just can’t seem to separate myself.  Man I’m pathetic.  But that’s OK, I won’t be forever.  Today proved that.  

This gal is gonna be OK.  I have to be.  I don’t have a choice.  I start back at my boot camp tomorrow.  God help me.  The heat and the lack of me really eating much at all is a recipe for passing out.  We’ll see how that goes.  I’m really looking forward to hitting something.  I love the new boxing instructor.  She’s pretty damn awesome and has gone through a lot of the same things I have.  She’s my motivation.  I think I’m gonna save some money and buy a punching bag and some boxing gloves.  I’ll set it up in the now empty guest room.  Some people have kinky rooms, I’m gonna have a butt kicking room.  It’s gonna be awesome.  When I’m done with myself I’m gonna dare someone to break my heart again.  Then I will assume the ass kicking pose.  You can’t see it right now but the sound that will accompany it goes like this…whoaaaaaaahhhhh.  Man I’m a dork!

Well I think that’s enough for today.  I’m off to watch Toddlers and Tiaras and feel better about myself.  At least I’m not a past her prime pageant mom!

One last thing…That song did such wonders for me when I put it on here…let’s listen again!

I’m a bad mamma jamma! Just as fine as I can be!  DAMN RIGHT!

So let me give you all the background story.  Brian and I began dating January 18, 2008.  He was everything I wanted.  We dated for a year and a half and broke up in June of 2009.  After a week he came back and I let him.  On September 6, 2009 Brian took me to a Sister Hazel concert at Lake Martin.  At the very end of the concert, during the last song, Brian asked me to marry him.  I said yes. 

We were happy for about 2 months.  You see I’m Catholic and Brian had been married before.  In order for Brian and I to marry he had to get his first marriage annulled.  This is when things started going downhill.  He had to relive all of the bad decisions he had made and had to relive things he was not proud of.  This caused Brian to slip into a depression.  This depression is what killed us.

I won’t bore you with all of the problems we had.  I’ll just skip ahead to June 30, 2011.  I came home from work and made what I thought was a pretty yummy dinner.  It was ready when Brian came home and we ate  After dinner we were watching TV.  Brian looked upset and I asked him what was wrong.  He said he wasn’t feeling well.  I did my best to cheer him up and that is when he turned off the TV.  I got up and sat next to him on the couch and he gave me the biggest hug I can remember him giving me.  Then he sat back and said he wasn’t happy.  He said he was moving out.  I asked when and was told “tomorrow.”  My entire world was turned upside down.  All this time he had been telling me he was unhappy but that it wasn’t me.  I was one of the few things that made him happy so you can imagine how I felt when he said he was leaving.  That night he began to pack and I, like a fool, begged him to stay.  I’ve never cried as hard as I did that night.  Well until the next day.  I begged and begged and we slept in the same bed that night.  He held me as I cried.  The next morning he got up, dressed and left for work.  I packed and went home to my parents house.  Once at my parents I told my Mom EVERYTHING that happened in our three years.  I told her so that I would not take him back. 

When I came home his things were gone.  That’s when I really cratered.  Luckily my friends Molly and Dennis came over.  They gave me the support and love I needed.  After they left I felt so alone.  I talked to Brian Tuesday and Wednesday night and wrote him a letter.  When talking to Brian I told him everything I wanted.  It made me feel a little better.

I made it back to work on Thursday and had an OK day.  It was on Friday that he asked me to go to dinner.  I told him I would go even though everyone told me not to.  He picked me up at 6:15 and took me to an Italian restaurant that I love.  It was so strange being in the car with him.  I couldn’t really look at him.  It hurt too much.  He made small talk and told me about his time with his son at his parents.  It really hurt to hear about his son.  I love that little boy.  We had a bit of a wait at the restaurant.  More small talk happened.  Then I told him that I was thinking of moving.  He turned a little pale and it seemed that the thought of ME leaving really upset him.  Then he told me he wasn’t a fan of me moving.  I told him that I had hadn’t been a fan of his recent decisions either and that the move was not about him.  It was about me.  It was about FINDING me. 

We had dinner and there was more talking.  After dinner I couldn’t help my self and I asked him to come to the house to hang out.  He did.  There was a lot more talking there.  We talked about things that we should have talked about six months ago.  He told me that he was really going to work on himself and take steps to change things in his life that needed changing.  While we were outside so that I could smoke the cigarettes that I gave up for him a few years ago we kissed.  In the entire time I was with him I had never felt what I felt in that kiss.  I knocked me on my ass and left me breathless and unable to stand.  It went entirely through me and I felt it for at least 30 minutes afterwards.  I told him that…I told him that I had never felt that feeling in my entire life and it was a feeling I had been waiting for that same amount of time.  That feeling really scared me.  I thought I had been in love with him all of that time.  I had been, but not at that heart stopping, gut dropping level.  I told him that I was terrified of never feeling that again and I didn’t want to go without it now having felt it.  He said he felt it too.  I asked him to stay with me that night and he did.  Everyone may say it was a mistake but to me it wasn’t.  He left the next morning and I went to Montgomery to see family. 

I woke up this morning and didn’t go to church.  I NEEDED to go to church.  If nothing else this has brought me back to my faith and I’m thankful for that.  Around 11:20 Brian called and asked me to meet him and his son for lunch.  I knew it wasn’t a good idea but I had not been able to tell his son goodbye so I went.  I should have stayed home.  Seeing his son nearly brought me to my knees.  We had an uncomfortable lunch and on the way home I called Brian.  I told him that he was the one who left me.  He told me several times Friday and today that he loved me. “Then WHY did you leave me?” I asked.  No answer.  I told him that he had to leave me alone.  It was the hardest thing I’ve ever had to say because the truth is, I don’t want him to.  I told him that he left me for a reason and if he wanted to change things in himself then he had to leave me alone.  He couldn’t have it both ways.  I’m either in his life completely or not at all.  He said he wanted to change and I believe him.  He said he was going to do the things he needed to so that I could be in his life. 

Here is my fear.  I’m scared that the one true and real love of my life is gone forever.  I’m scared that he cannot change the things about him that he needs to change for HIM to be happy.  If he can’t be happy then I can’t be happy with him.  The 30th proved that.  I’m scared…

I have learned some things.  I’ve learned how to be in an adult relationship. I’ve learned how to really treat a man.  I’ve also learned that my happiness cannot depend on someone else or their happiness.  I gave that man everything.  I spent so much time trying to make him happy that I lost sight of my happiness and I lost sight of who I was.  I don’t like who I am right now.  I put up with so many things that the Maggie of three years ago would NEVER have put up with.  I spent all of my energy trying to make him happy and forgot my own happiness. 

So here I am, a week later.  Unhappy, hurting and heartbroken.  I know that I will be happy again but that time seems so far away.  I want so desperately to be happy with him, but I know that I cannot wait around for that.  I can’t continue to put my happiness on hold for him any longer.  I have to move on with my life.  Some friends of mine from back home are coming down at the end of the month.  I love those girls.  I’ve told them that my goal is to kiss someone the night we go out.  It’s been over three years since I’ve even thought about kissing another man.  The one thing that I am sure of is that I have to kiss someone.  It doesn’t have to be that night but it has to happen.  The thing is, I have to be sure about Brian.  I have to be sure that what I felt Friday night was real and not just the longing for him.  The thought of kissing someone other than Brian makes me sick to my stomach but I HAVE TO.  I can’t and won’t put my life on hold anymore. 

So, that was basically the run down of the story of us.  The purpose of this blog is to help me find my way back to me. I miss me. I used to be a very strong, confident and independent woman.  I want to get back to that Maggie.  That Maggie was FUN.  She knew who she was and she LIKED herself.  I want to like myself again. 

The hard part of all of this is going to be putting my love for Brian aside and focusing on my love for myself.  I’m hopeful for my future.  I won’t lie and say that it won’t involve him because right now I want him to be in my future.  I want him to become the man HE wants to be.  That Brian will be a great Brian.  If he can find that Brian then there will be a hope for us.  I have that hope.  I pray for that.  Even after all of the hurt I pray for that, because I know it wasn’t me.  He knows it wasn’t me.  I think we both needed this.  We both lost who we were as individuals and we both need to find those people again.  We fell in love with those people.  My Aunt Connie said it best.  She is praying for God’s will for the two of us.  I know that I am a good person and I am deserving of love.  I deserve a man who is going to love me so much I can feel it.  He is going to love me so much that he doesn’t have to say it but he will anyway.  I want Brian to be that man but only time will tell if he is. 

Back tracking a little bit here.  I told Brian at dinner Friday night that he had a lot to do if he wanted to get me back.  I told him I want flowers sent to my office and not just once.  I want people to be pissed for me that he sent me flowers and then I want him to send so many that they think “Man, he is really trying to win you back.”  I told him I needed to be wooed.  (Love that word…I just like saying it.  Woo.  Wooed, Wooing.)  I told him he would need to love me so much and show that love so much that my family would see it and know that he was making me happy. Then maybe they would hate him less.  My family would be pissed if they knew I was holding out hope for him.  He hurt me so badly and they don’t want me to ever feel that hurt again.  I have to believe that if it is God’s will for us to be together that they will see it and be OK with it.  It’s going to take a lot of work on his part and mine but I pray that God’s will and mine are the same.

So here my journey begins.  Finding my way back to me.  Finding my way back to the Maggie I once was and the Maggie I will be again.

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