I’ve been fiddling around on the keyboard. Trying to decide if I post what I’ve written or not…
I’ve been looking forward to today for a while. Tonight is happy hour/girls night at Babalu. I can’t wait! I’m in need of some girl time and a few drinks.
After tonight begins the crazy summer. I’m off to Atlanta this weekend for some much needed Molly time and shopping. The cruise is in 25 days. I really can’t wait for that. Then there is the Fourth of July followed by the family weekend at the Uncle’s lake house. THEEENNN is the trip to Panama City Beach with a some friends. I can’t wait to get it all started!
At at some point I’ll write about it all and about a few other ideas swirling in this curly head of mine. Until then…
So I’m doing things a bit different tonight. See, this post is something that I would typically not post here, and would instead write in my journal. I just don’t feel like using a pen and paper to write tonight.
I’ve been a little overwhelmed by my own thoughts and fears today. It all revolves around me, who I am and where I am in this life. I’m nowhere near where I thought I’d be at 35. Not even in the same time zone. I thought that by the time I was 35 I would be married, have a kid or two and be worried about saving for college for the kids. I guess my previous statement about not being close to where I thought I’d be isn’t entirely true. I always thought I’d have a good job, my own house and a convertible. I’ve made good on those. The only thing really lacking in my life is the family part.
Things have always come pretty easily to me. I had a great childhood and a great family. I was raised right and for the most part I’ve done what was expected of me. I basically fell into working for the company I work for. It helps when your dad, sister and brother in law all work for the same company. Family members with a good reputations will get you hired. Going from answering the phones to having a position that requires a college degree without having that college degree takes hard work, and I did that all on my own. I’ve carved out a nice little place in the world for myself and I’m pretty damn proud of it.
If I’m being honest with myself the only thing that hasn’t come easily for me is finding someone to share my place in the world with. I’ve come really close. I met a man who I fell in love with. I’m sure at one time he loved me too. I bought a house, we got engaged and then that ended. I’m not sad about that, I’m not upset, I don’t care anymore. That’s another chapter in my life that has come and gone, and if I’m being completely honest, I’m glad that’s over. I’ve moved on and couldn’t be happier.
I’m by no means lonely. I’ve gone out on plenty of dates. I’ve met some really nice guys. I’ve met some card carrying bat shit crazy guys too. From the guy who worked all day outside and didn’t shower before our date, to the guy who proceeded to tell me all about his two ex-wives and how they were crazy but he wasn’t, to the really nice, charming, smart and handsome guy that you really hope likes you, but you’re not too sure if he does, but you think he might, so you just try to sit back and wait to see if he’s gonna ask you out again.
It’s hard to find that person you’re meant to be with. Well it may not be hard. People meet every day. It’s the waiting that’s hard. Then you get to that wonderful place where you just don’t care anymore. You’re no longer waiting, you’re just there, content and happy with your life. For the most part, that’s where I am now. I’m happy. I’m content. And then, your youngest nephew turns 16 and the other three are in college and you realize you’re 35 and the odds of you having kids of your own grows smaller every single day. Then your dad tells your sister “it won’t be long now and you’ll be planning rehearsal dinners and weddings” and you’re just kinda sitting there realizing that those days may not come for you. Oh and now I’m just getting sad and that’s not what this was meant to be.
The fact is I am probably the happiest right now that I’ve been in a very long time. Probably since before I moved to Birmingham. Life is really, really good right now. Like I said, everything has come pretty easily for me. If the only thing I don’t have is a man and kids of my own, then I’m doing pretty well.
Don’t get me wrong, I’m in no hurry to get married and have kids. I may be 35, but that doesn’t mean I’m going to rush into anything. I’ve come too close to making a mistake before, I’m not going to make one now. I’m a firm believer that if those things are meant for you, then they’ll happen in their own sweet time, and that’s exactly how it should be. What was it I saw the other day? “Relationships are like farts. If you have to force it, then it’s probably shit.” Crude but very true and very funny.
So I’m gonna keep working. I’m gonna take my vacations. I’m going to do what I want, when I want to (time and money permitting) and I’m going to enjoy the hell out of every minute of this life that I’ve been given. If some man wants to sweep me off of my feet, I’ll let him. If not, I can carry myself pretty damn well.
I came across this just a few minutes ago and it just got all of these thoughts started in my head. I HAD to sit down and start writing, after all this blog is about me and learning to be me and not caring what other think. This, this right here encompasses “Finding Maggie” to a T!
How perfect is that? Too many of us walk around day in, day out, trying to portray this idea of who we think we would be, who we think people want us to be. Why? Why is it such a big deal if people see our imperfections? It’s not! We all have flaws, We’re all a little quirky, right? It’s those flaws, imperfections and quirks that make us who we are.
I’ll share one of my quirks. My friend Molly can back this up for me. If I do something stupid, make a mistake, misquote song lyrics, I HAVE to tell on myself. It’s just what I do. I just can’t pass by a chance to let someone laugh at me. Most people would be embarrassed. Not Maggie!
Example A. ROCKING out to Def Leppard’s Pour Some Sugar on Me with Molly and I sign out “television Gerber baby goo all night.” Those are not the right words. I still don’t know what the right words are and I don’t care to know them. The ones I sing are better, so I sing them loudly whenever I hear the song. It crack Molly up, and that makes me happy.
Example B. I have a tendency to break into dance at a moments notice. I also have a tendency to forget that other people can see me when I’m in mid dance. I used to get embarrassed by this. Not anymore! Now I embrace it and just let loose. When someone sees me, sometimes I intend for someone to see me, other times not so much, but when I’m caught I just keep on dancing. It usually makes the day of whoever caught you.
One of he reasons I’m so happy that I’ve learned to embrace my quirkiness is because it enabled me to take part in one of the greatest experiences of my life. GISHWHES. What is GISHWHES you ask? Oh it’s just the Greatest International Scavenger Hunt the World Has Ever Seen.
Let me tell you a bit about GISHWHES. GISHWHES is one week of absolute madness where you throw out all your inhibitions, all of your fears, all of your cares, and have a blast creating and being silly. It’s a week where you are guaranteed to make someone’s day and give them a memory that they will tell others about for the rest of their life. What kind of memories you ask? Oh I’m pretty sure there is a woman in Georgia who to this day is telling people about the time two women in bathing-suits, covered in whipped cream, approached her with “free hugs” signs. Yeah. I did that. I also dressed up in the craziest “party” outfit and picked up trash on the side of a busy road. I ordered coffee from Starbucks and gave the name of Hu Flung Pu. I dressed up as a pirate and made a wedding dress and tux out of plastic dinnerware and paper plates and officiated my friends renewal of their vows. Molly and I made a 5 foot in diameter birds nest out of pine straw and took pictures of her “nesting” in it. I made an angel out of feminine hygiene products. Yup. I did that. I made a care package for a soldier serving overseas. I joined a team of 15 people. 13 of them were people who I now consider dear friends that just happen to be Italian. See it’s not all fun and games. I helped others and made lifelong friends. If I was scared to make a fool out of myself or worried about what others would think I wouldn’t have “My Italians” in my life and I wouldn’t trade them for the world. I cannot wait for this year’s GISHWHES. We may not win, but we’re gonna have a hell of a lot of fun, make some wonderful memories, and make other smile. That seems like a good use of a week if you ask me.
So, like the picture above says, let people see you, the real you. The you, you are scared to show other. Be real, be silly and have a damn ball doing it! While you’re at it join a GISHWHES team. It’ll change your life and you’ll thank me,
Gish on, y’all!
I am beginning to get a little overwhelmed, but life is so very good right now. I have to say I’m pretty damn happy right now. SOOOO much happening in a short amount of time. Woo. Y’all this next week begins the whirlwind of my summer. Nothing this weekend. Dinner at Babalu’s with the girls a week from today. Atlanta for Memorial Day weekend. Home for two weeks then off to Memphis to switch cars with my sister, pick up the girls and then head to NOLA to get on a big ass ship. I can’t wait to unplug from the world for a week. Nothing going on in July. This girl does need a break every once in a while. After that nice little break it’s off to Panama City Beach in August for a long weekend in the sun.
Good Lord y’all I’m tired just thinking about it all. This is gonna be a busy but fun summer. Expect lots of pictures and lots of stories. Buckle up. It’s gonna be a bumpy ride, and it starts in a week!
So I didn’t get a chance to write that post last night. Planning on writing it tonight. Stay tuned…
On on a side note IT’S VAN DAMME FRIDAY Y’ALL!!!
Oh boy do I have a post coming. Can’t write it right now, but I’m gonna try to get to it tonight. Lots to discuss. until then I’ll leave you with this…
I decided to buy a new journal today. The old one has gotten a bit raggedy. I’ve actually needed a new one for a while. After work I headed to B&N and used the rest of my birthday gift card on a brand new journal. I then proceeded to sit down and write up a storm while listening to A Fine Frenzy on my patio.
My hands are now covered in ink and my mind is a little less cluttered after my furious writting session. I’m always amazed at how much better I feel after writting down on paper the things I’m too chicken to share here.
Anyway, I need to try to get some sleep. I’ve had a long day.
I love writing. I do. I love being able to get my thoughts out of my head and down on paper or onto a screen. Anyone who knows me know that I live in my head. It gets so cramped in there sometimes. So jotting things down really helps me to focus. As much as I love this blog and typing, it will never take the place of my journal. My journal has deep thoughts, bad song writing attempts, and the first paragraph of the book I want to write. It has my every day thoughts and feelings. It’s basically a look right into my soul, and it is as guarded as my own heart is. Maybe one day I’ll trust someone enough to let them read it. Probably not. Lol back to to work I go.