So I’m doing things a bit different tonight. See, this post is something that I would typically not post here, and would instead write in my journal. I just don’t feel like using a pen and paper to write tonight.
I’ve been a little overwhelmed by my own thoughts and fears today. It all revolves around me, who I am and where I am in this life. I’m nowhere near where I thought I’d be at 35. Not even in the same time zone. I thought that by the time I was 35 I would be married, have a kid or two and be worried about saving for college for the kids. I guess my previous statement about not being close to where I thought I’d be isn’t entirely true. I always thought I’d have a good job, my own house and a convertible. I’ve made good on those. The only thing really lacking in my life is the family part.
Things have always come pretty easily to me. I had a great childhood and a great family. I was raised right and for the most part I’ve done what was expected of me. I basically fell into working for the company I work for. It helps when your dad, sister and brother in law all work for the same company. Family members with a good reputations will get you hired. Going from answering the phones to having a position that requires a college degree without having that college degree takes hard work, and I did that all on my own. I’ve carved out a nice little place in the world for myself and I’m pretty damn proud of it.
If I’m being honest with myself the only thing that hasn’t come easily for me is finding someone to share my place in the world with. I’ve come really close. I met a man who I fell in love with. I’m sure at one time he loved me too. I bought a house, we got engaged and then that ended. I’m not sad about that, I’m not upset, I don’t care anymore. That’s another chapter in my life that has come and gone, and if I’m being completely honest, I’m glad that’s over. I’ve moved on and couldn’t be happier.
I’m by no means lonely. I’ve gone out on plenty of dates. I’ve met some really nice guys. I’ve met some card carrying bat shit crazy guys too. From the guy who worked all day outside and didn’t shower before our date, to the guy who proceeded to tell me all about his two ex-wives and how they were crazy but he wasn’t, to the really nice, charming, smart and handsome guy that you really hope likes you, but you’re not too sure if he does, but you think he might, so you just try to sit back and wait to see if he’s gonna ask you out again.
It’s hard to find that person you’re meant to be with. Well it may not be hard. People meet every day. It’s the waiting that’s hard. Then you get to that wonderful place where you just don’t care anymore. You’re no longer waiting, you’re just there, content and happy with your life. For the most part, that’s where I am now. I’m happy. I’m content. And then, your youngest nephew turns 16 and the other three are in college and you realize you’re 35 and the odds of you having kids of your own grows smaller every single day. Then your dad tells your sister “it won’t be long now and you’ll be planning rehearsal dinners and weddings” and you’re just kinda sitting there realizing that those days may not come for you. Oh and now I’m just getting sad and that’s not what this was meant to be.
The fact is I am probably the happiest right now that I’ve been in a very long time. Probably since before I moved to Birmingham. Life is really, really good right now. Like I said, everything has come pretty easily for me. If the only thing I don’t have is a man and kids of my own, then I’m doing pretty well.
Don’t get me wrong, I’m in no hurry to get married and have kids. I may be 35, but that doesn’t mean I’m going to rush into anything. I’ve come too close to making a mistake before, I’m not going to make one now. I’m a firm believer that if those things are meant for you, then they’ll happen in their own sweet time, and that’s exactly how it should be. What was it I saw the other day? “Relationships are like farts. If you have to force it, then it’s probably shit.” Crude but very true and very funny.
So I’m gonna keep working. I’m gonna take my vacations. I’m going to do what I want, when I want to (time and money permitting) and I’m going to enjoy the hell out of every minute of this life that I’ve been given. If some man wants to sweep me off of my feet, I’ll let him. If not, I can carry myself pretty damn well.